Monday, May 27, 2013

Another Reader Gem, from the Evil Jeffy archive, early 2000's.

I can see what the problem that Christians have with Evolution and scientific reasoning is. It is that there is no room for the creation of man from clay, and women from ribs. There is no room for immaculate conception. It uses logic and lays out the path of our creation from little blobs of green goo all the way to the monkeys that we are today. Where is the love?

While, since it seems that there is a lack of room from the science world to make the bible turn out to be 100% true, since we all know that there is never room for any inconsistencies in the bible. I have decided that it must be the duty of none other than Evil Jeff to bring light to this oversight and offer a solution that all of the parties involved can be happy with. Yes, I realize that it is a break from my normal writings to create a solution that people can be happy with, but bear with me.

While, we could say that Mary was a whore and was sleeping around with all of the sheep herders in Bethlehem before she got a quick shotgun marriage to Joseph when she suddenly realized that he monthlies were no longer coming right on schedule, but I do not think that such an explanation would fly. What good bible banging mother of fourteen would ever teach her kids that Mary was a whore? Her whole world would come crashing down around her and her poor emotionally scarred kids who would end up having families of only seven or eight kids. We could not possibly have anything happen to the good religious nut jobs in this world that would lead to sustainability. That would make far too much sense, and I am not about to start going around making sense.

I guess the only solution that we can suggest that wont offend the whole Christian world would be that Mary was a hermaphrodite. Just think, Mary wasn't sleeping around, she was just sleeping, had a boo boo, tab A got inserted into slot B and wallah! Enter Jesus. Now instead of Jesus being not the son of random sheep herders, Jesus is the son of Mary and Mary, kind of like the offspring of a law office with gender identification issues.

But why didn't this end up in the bible as it happened and instead got written down as immaculate conception. Logically speaking people have enough troubles with gender identification issues today, just think of how clueless they were two thousand years ago. If we have millions of people who can't wrap their weak minds around the concept of homosexuality today how would they have handled it then. Actually I think it was handled back then by stoning people to death, or maybe nailing them upside down to a tree. I guess I would have had to be there to know exactly what the procedure to deal with such deviance was.

How would the defense of marriage people respond if it turns out that their savior was the son of an it? Where do hermaphrodites fall within the defense of marriage anyway. Can they marry whatever they feel like? Or can they only marry others who fall into that ac-dc group. I am not sure how all of that would work, and not sure if I want to spend the time figuring it all out.

So, to come back to where I was, Jesus had his sweet mother Mary, and father (also Mary) had to breast feed around the nipple hair, was scarred from the mental image of hairy nipples from the age of 14 on, and that is why you hear nothing about that time of his life.

In reality he was most likely visiting every bathhouse in the holy land looking for something that would bring him back to his 'happy place' but even in the bathhouses there was something missing. When he reached his early thirties he came rushing out of one of the inner closets of one of the bathhouses and declared. “That's it, I'm the son of God!” He ran through the streets being all son of God like, hid some golden tablets in Utah and then pissed of some Romans, got sold to the executioners for thirty silver, and ended up nailed to a tree.

I guess life sucks if you are the son of a first century hermaphrodite. But the point is that this way I have breached the challenge of sneaking the whole immaculate conception thing into the scientific logic that we understand today. I have done it, I have made one of the impossibilities of the bible work! I still have hundreds of thousands of things to work on with this, but give me some time.

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