Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Jesus skips on the child support
There has been a lot of activity in recent weeks surrounding some astounding new discoveries in the Middle East. Much of the buzz was overshadowed by th recent conflicts between Lebanon and Israel, but this incredible discovery is finally coming to the lips of news reporters worldwide. Luckily you get to be here to read it for the first time straight from the lips of the best of those reporters, none other than Evil Jeff.
It was mid June when the cave was uncovered. Ironically it was discovered after one of the unguided Hezbollah missile smacked into an unpopulated goat pasture and exploded in the ground with a thud. After the smoke cleared the somewhat shell-shocked, and dust covered shepherd looked with amazement into the crater as instead of just being another round hole in the ground it had opened access to a passage leading deep underground.
Researchers from Tel Aviv were informed and they came out to investigate and when the reached the end of the passage were amazed at the condition of the scrolls that they found tucked neatly into some urns, but the real surprise was yet to come.
When the researchers returned to the Tel Aviv University of Religious Studies they quickly started to disseminate the writings that were on the scrolls and the translation floored all of them. What they had found was the hideout where Jesus laid low after he had been pronounced dead from crucifixion, and the sordid tales of what had happened on that day two-thousand years ago.
The story that all of us had been told to this date was that Jesus had been betrayed and then crucified on the cross, laid in a cave and then rose three days later but now evidence is beginning to show doubts upon that account.
According to the recently uncovered scrolls all of that had been little more than a very well scripted ruse. It turns out that the crucifixion, although it had happened, was not lethal. And when he was laid to rest in the cave he had only stayed until he sneaked out later that night. There were even some details as to what he had wanted to escape from. There were many descriptions of how irritating it was to have all of these people following his every move and how he really just wanted a vacation. There were also hints that he had fathered quiet a few offspring along the way and with the mothers starting to come calling looking for support and assistance he decided that it would be far easier to just run away and never have to deal with them again.
It is still unknown how the world of Catholicism will respond now that the sacred legend of the crucifixion of Christ may turn out to be little more than Jesus skipping town to avoid paying child support. The Vatican has been extremely silent on the matter although hopefully soon they will release a statement either supporting or denying these allegations of infidelity and impropriety. Either way remember that you heard it here first, and when news happens that no one else is willing to report look to Evil Jeff.