Friday, May 31, 2013

The secret cat cabal (Thanks Brenna)

I was noticing the odd habits of my cat recently...

For those of you who have not met him, this is my cat.
But anyway, this cat seems to have some mysterious wandering habits.  He goes out at night, wanders around and then comes home all tired and sleeps all day.

Unless it is nice out, then he comes home, goes back out into the yard, and sleeps all day.

But I decided I really needed to know what the cat was up to during the days when he is out and about so I did a little investigating.

I knew that he would not simply tell me what he was up to, so I had to do a little invention.  Cats, even when they are talkative, generally don't speak engrish, or Meowrish, or what ever cat-english would be.  Cats speak fluent cat.

On a side note if you had a cat in France would it speak cat with a french accent?  Would it be able to communicate with a cat from a different country?  These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night.

But I decided to use all of my scientific expertise and build a cat translator, a simple device that could take a recording of what the cat was saying and output it in simple english.

As it turns out what the cat was saying around the house was pretty boring.  I will give you a quick run down of a days recording around the house.

"Leave me alone."
"Feed me."
"Love me."
"Leave me alone."
"Feed me."
"Let me go outside."
"I want a bird for dinner."
"Leave me alone."
"Those pants clash with that shirt."
"Feed me."
"Leave me alone."

I ended up with about twenty pages of pretty much those statements, plus a few more that I am not sure properly translated, but what I did get could not be printed here for vulgar content.  Turns out cats have a potty mouth.

Well, since I was not finding out much from the cat by listening in on what he was saying in the house I decided the next step would be to affix him with a recording device to I could listen in on him when he went out at night.

This was not easy, I had to get him a new collar and sneak it into the collar where he would not notice.  Cats are very suspicious of human activities, and generally cannot be trusted.

I finally got the opportunity to put the collar on him and the next day made up an excuse to swap the collar out for a new one.  He was looking at me very strange when I did it.

And once I ad the chance to translate his activities from the previous night I understood why!  It turns out he had a secret cat cabal of co-conspirators.  And you would be amazed at what they said.

"So, are we ready for plan 'snuggle to death'?"
"I think we are almost there, but I have a few questions."
I can only assume the second cat was the neighbors cat, he has been looking at me strangely as of late.
"What questions could you have?"
This was a third cat, I am not sure from where.
The second cat responded, "after we get operation snuggle death, where will we get food?"
Cat 3, "stupid, from the dish!"
Cat 2, "but don't the invaders fill the dish?"
Cat 3, "that is irrelevant to the plan."
My cat, "I think he may have a point, perhaps we should do some experiments first."
Cat 3, "and what kind of experiments do you suggest?"
My cat, "if we only killed one of the invaders we could see if the food dish still gets filled."
Cat 3, "but the whole plan hinges on surprise!  If the invaders knew we were trying to kill them the remaining invaders could get more cautious."
Cat 2, "are they smart enough to get cautious?"
Cat 3, "of course they are."
My cat, "if they were that smart don't you think they would have figured out that we are trying to kill them?"
Cat 3, "you have a point, what, did you here that?"
My cat, "hear what?"
Cat 3, "sounds like it may be a dog coming, we had better split up."

That was the end of the recording, and let me tell you I was pretty surprised by what I heard, but not nearly surprised as I was when I turned around to see my cat staring at me from the doorway, his tail flicking back and forth...

I went and talked to the neighbor I knew had a cat, and he knew who had the third cat as well, they decided they wanted to listen to the recording for themselves so we decided to go back to the shop I had in the garage to have a listen.

I could see smoke as I drove up to the house and I could see instantly that it was too late.  I looked at each of the neighbors and they stood there with wide eyes as we watched the garage burn down with three cats sitting side by side out front.

It didn't matter if they ever heard the tape now, everyone understood, don't fuck with the cats.


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