Monday, July 15, 2013

Been exploring!

I have been doing so explorations as of late and I am starting to find some cool stuff.  I am hoping to get some more done in this coming week, we will see how that goes, but I have already found a tiny nugget of native copper, and possibly may have narrowed my search as to where to look to find more.

This may be getting interesting, will have to see how much is actually present.

Monday, July 8, 2013

My review of Windows Vista, imagine what I would have said about Windows 8!

Windows Vista was released the other day. By the standards of their previous operating systems they should have the bugs worked out of it by about the time the universe comes to a cataclysmic end. In the meantime we will have to deal with yet another steaming pile from Redmond Washington being foisted upon us. Hopefully people will read my review of this operating system and take my advice, even if it will inhibit my ability to soak them for tech support time at a later date.


An Introduction to Windows Vista,
About as Pleasant as Genital Warts.

Well, they did it, they took a clunky inefficient OS and they made it worse. Just when you thought things had nowhere to go but up they added a new basement. Even the title of this rant does not convey my true feelings for this OS.

I installed Vista just to see how bad it actually could be. It took twenty minutes to boot, and then gave me nothing but problems. The vast majority of the features that were added to make it “prettier” were nothing but window dressings on broken windows. These windows now stack at an angle, why? It takes more system resources to stack them that way, therefore you will need to buy more powerful computers, thats why.

On top of all of that you no longer own you files. The system take the permissions for EVERYTHING away from the user. I certainly hope you never have a problem, if you do, your F$cked. On top of that it tests the DRM on all of your files to make sure that they are not owned by someone else. I am still not sure how that would work on things that I have which are not listed in the DRM record keeping because I created them myself, or personally recorded them, I am not going to find out either.

If you ever do have a major system problem I certainly hope you don't want to keep your stuff because you are going to lose it all. I already know what virus I would be writing for this one (if I were so inclined, which I am not) and if you got it you would have no choice but to format the hard drive and reinstall. I would not feel guilty either, if you stupid enough to use this bloated pile, its your fault for getting it destroyed for you.

The problem that people had with Windows XP is that they got viruses and spy ware all the time. I found that the best way to avoid that was to turn off 90% of the useless services that Microshaft turned on by default, delete Internet Explorer, delete Outlook Express and after all of that you suddenly had a reliable, and considerably faster computer. I do not run anti-virus, I do not use anti-spy ware programs (except to verify what I already know is fine) and I have not had a problem in years. It should also be noted that I have been on line continuously for the last 8 years, still without a problem.

You no longer can remove these troublesome programs from your computer, you do not have the permissions to see them, and you certainly don't have the permissions to manipulate them. It is no longer your computer, it is Bill's computer, you should live in his world and do things the way he wants you to.

If you want my advice for what to do about Windows Vista I would stay stick with XP if you really need to use Windows. Otherwise buy a Mac or download and install Linux. Ubuntu is great, I highly recommend that one, if you would like to try it, but not install it, they even have a live CD version that will boot the whole OS right off your CD-Rom.

So long, and happy computing!




Another partial screen play, this time roller derby









Last bout of the season, and resulting after party.



Indoor Arena/bout space, small crowd


Announcer


And it looks like the Harmony City Derby Darlings are going to get their butts handed to them again.


Huddle at the skaters bench, Anna is putting on helmet pantie, Cathy has the pivot pantie on, Beth is right in the huddle, Denise and Evi are just kind of there.


Beth


Ok
, I know it is a little to late, but lets go out with a bang here, lets not go down by this much.


Cathy


Yeah, Anna, you jam, I’ll pivot, you guys
B1
,
B2
,
B3
.  Form up like a diamond around the blocker, we can do this!


BETH


Yeah!  Lets go!


Everyone else


Whatever.


ANNOUNCER


And as the clock ticks down it looks like this is going to be the last jam of the night.


The group skates out on the floor and into position on the track.


Cathy


Remember your positions ladies!


Random City Head Referee


Last Jam!


CATHY


Make it count ladies!


The Jam whistle blows and the other team immediately forms a line and starts driving the girls down or out of the way.  Denise and Evi don’t even fight back, Right as the jammer whistle blows Anna reaches down to her pocket and answers her phone.


Anna (into phone)


Hey, how are you doing?


AnnOUNCER


Looks like Anna is multi-tasking jamming and jabbering tonight.


ANNA (into PHONE)





Me?  Nothing much, we are going out tonight, coming with?


(beat) She gets knocked down, drops phone


Bitch?  I was trying to have a conversation here!


AnnOUNCER


And Anna goes down.


Picks up phone and throws it at other player.


Jam Referee (Whistles)


Black four-seven, Illegal procedure!


ANNOUNCER


Did Anna just throw her phone?  This is a mad-house!


Anna


Fuck
You Ref!


JAM REFEREE (wHISTLES)


Black four-seven, Insubordination, two minutes!


AnnOUNCER


And it looks like Anna is going to the box for the rest of the bout!  What a tough break for the home town ladies.


(BEAT)


And the Random City jammer calls off the jam, that’s the game folks, lets wait for the jam refs to make their calls....


The Jam ends the scoreboard shows the final score 141-53.


ANNOUNCER


And with the reports from the jam refs looks like the final score is Random City 141 over Harmony’s 53!


Back to the bench.


Beth


Anna, What the
fuck
was that?


ANNA


She made me drop my phone.


BETH


Why did you have your phone?


ANNA


Duh
, just in case someone calls me?


BETH


You could just call them back when we are not trying to play a
fucking
sport!


ANNA


Oh.


(beAT)


I didn’t think of that.


Cathy


Its
ok
Beth, are you coming with us tonight?


Evi


Lets go get
fucking
drunk!


Denise


Hell Yeah, best part of the whole game, getting
fucked
up afterwards!


Evi (looking to Beth and Cathy)


Hells yeah, I think Anna’s buying the first round, come on you two, come with us.


BETH


I am not so sure, I think I might go back to the hotel and watch TV.


CATHY


I may join you, want to pick up a six pack?


BETH


And maybe some Icy-Hot.


Denise


You two are losers, come on, lets go get
shitty
!


Evi


Yeah, lets go!


ANNA


After my
fuck
up it looks like I am buying first round!


Cathy


No,
thats

ok
, you guys have fun.


Now our attention goes to the quieter end of the bench.


Gabby


So what do you think, should we join the crazies, or should we go with the normal people.


Holly


Well, as much as watching TV sounds attractive right now, if I wanted to be like everyone else I would not have joined derby.


GABBY


Ok
, Bar it is then.


HOLLY


Yeah, what is the worst that could happen?



Afterparty


They arrive at the bar, the two teams are milling about, nothing that crazy going on, Evi and Anna walk in.


EVI


Where is the party ladies!  Lets get this
shit
started!  Anna, where is that drink you owe me?


Anna


One second, do you see Steve?


EVI


Who the
fuck
is Steve?


ANNA


The guy I was trying to talk to, he is
sooo
hot.


EVI


Why don’t you call him?


ANNA


I broke my phone when I threw it.


EVI


Well, that’s what you get, well that and you get to buy me a drink.


ANNA


Well, what do you want anyway?


EVI


Get me a skinny bitch!  I need vodka!  Now!





A few hours later, sidewalk outside a bar at closing time.


Evi (CONT’D)


What the
fuck
you going to do man?


Guy


You think your tough?


EVI


Do you think your tough enough?


GUY


Ah
shit
, I guess we will see.


Guy goes to grab Evi and lifts her up, Evi swings her legs around his head to choke him out and grabs him by the ears.


EVI


On your knees bitch!  On you knees!  Submit!


Guy (gurgling)


Never!


Policeman


Ok
you two!  Break it up.


EVI


Oh, but we were just having fun.


POLICEMAN


Don’t care, up against the car.


EVI


Oh, what the
fuck
?  I thought I was suppose to be the victim all of the time.


POLICEMAN


I remember you from last time you were in town, now up against the car.


Evi gets hauled off, the guy gets hauled off too, but we don’t care about that.






Team meeting


Head Ref


Ok
ladies, listen up.


Anna


One
sec
, let me finish this text.


HEAD REF


Anna, put the phone away


(BEAT)


What the
fuck
happened last bout?


Denise


We got our asses kicked.


RefEREE


What else happened?


Evi


You had to pick me up at the jail?


HEAD REF


Well, I am less than happy about that, but talking about the bout, what happened?


REFEREE


Speaking of which we really should try to prevent that in the future.


Gabby


We fell apart because everyone just did there own thing?


HEAD REF


Yes!  Excellent, anything else?


Beth


They simply over powered us.


HEAD REF


Were they individually that good?


ReFEREE


Or was it that they over powered the people who were actually trying to play.


Cathy


They didn’t over-power us personally, but they worked together well.


HEAD REF


And how did we do at working together.


BETH


We didn’t.


HEAD REF


Exactly, and what was the end result.


DENISE


We got our asses handed to us.


HEAD REF


So what should we work on.


Cathy


Teamwork?


HEAD REF


Perfect, is everyone with me?


Anna answers her phone.


ANNA


Hey!  I am at practice, what do you want to do tonight.


Head ref just shakes his head and looks at the floor.


REFEREE (to head ref)


Ever get the feeling your talking to a wall?






THE PRACTICE


HEAD REF


Ok
, I want two white blockers, one black helper, one black jammer, lets go.


Beth and Cathy skate out in white, Denise in black, Anna skates up with the star pantie on and a pink shirt.


Head REF (CONT’D)


Anna, what color shirt are you wearing?


ANNA


Um
, pink,
duh
.  But just pretend that its black.


BETH


How long have we been telling people white and black shirts for practice?


Cathy


Its been pretty much that way since the beginning.


HEAD REF


How many times have I asked you to bring a white and a black shirt to practice?


ANNA


But I hate those colors, unless its like a black leather mini or something, it makes my skin look bad.


HEAD REF


This is practice, not a fashion show, do you have another shirt?


ANNA


What the hell?  Do you think I bring my closet to practice?


HEAD REF


Nope, just your phone.


(BEAT)


Ok
, I guess in Anna’s world pink is black, lets try this.


BETH


This is ridiculous.


CatHY


Fear not, eventually she will retire.


Head ref blows the whistle and the pack starts skating, some just take off, some just kind of amble off the line.  Anna answers her phone.


HEAD REF


Anna?  What the
fuck
are you doing?


Anna


(Into phone)


One
sec
, they are yelling at me.


(to ref)


I am answering my phone,
duh
, its Steve, he’s really cute!


Beth


Come on Anna, can’t you save it for later?


CATHY


Apparently not.


HeAD REF


I do not care if Steve is cute, this is practice, put the phone away.


Anna


(Into phone)


Hey, I got to let you go, call me later.



The Bench


Gabby


Do you think they will ever get this figured out?


Holly


I kind of doubt it.


GABBY


Maybe we should see if we can recruit enough people to replace them all.


HOLLY


With our record, we would never be able to keep them.  I think that these girls guarantee their spots through there own incompetence driving everyone else away.


GABBY


I do believe your on to something.


Head REF


Holly, Jam, Gabby, you help, Evi, Denise, stay out there as blockers.


GABBY


Show time.


Holly and Gabby go out and skate, Evi and Denise are blocking, Holly and Gabby do one quick move work together and Holly blows through.


HEAD REF


That was good Gabby and Holly!
Ok
people, what did they do there?


Evi


They skated.


HEAD REF


And what did you do?


EVI


I skated.


HEAD REF


Well, have you ever heard of something like blocking, or God forbid, knock a bitch down?


EVI


I save that for the afterparty!


Evi and Denise high five, the Ref face-palms.


HEAD REF


You know if you put as much energy into the bout as you did to the afterparty maybe we could actually win a bout.


EVI


But then I would be tired at the afterparty.


HEAD REF


But think of how rewarding it would be to win a bout!


EVI


Yeah, I suppose, but I would be tired and sweaty, and if I was sore I wouldn’t want to get into fights.


HEAD REF


And maybe, just maybe we can have an out of town bout that doesn’t end with me having to pick you up at jail.


EVI


What fun would that be?


HEAD REF


Ok
, moving on.


The rest of the practice proceeds as it started, a bunch of wasted time, stupid moves and general
douche-baggery
.


Head REF (CONT’D)


Anna!  Get off the phone!


ANNA (INTO PHONE)


Hey, I gotta go.


HEAD REF


Do you ever put that thing away?


ANNA


When I am not on it.


HEAD REF


Have you considered maybe putting it in your bag during practice?


ANNA


But what if someone calls me.


HEAD REF (too floor)


This is like arguing with a
fucking
wall.


(BEAT)


Screw it!  We only have a few minutes left, one quick round of queen of the rink and we are out of here.


The girls all line up on the pivot line to play queen of the rink.


HEAD REF


You know the rules, tight pack for one lap and then start, you fall, get knocked out of bounds or commit a penalty and your done.  Start on the first whistle, you can make contact on the second.


(WHISTLES)


OK, nice tight pack, Anna off the phone!


ANNA


Oh fine....


The girls make a tight pack as the refs circle around the inside watching them


Head REF


Ok
, get ready.


Beth gets knocked down right off the bat, Anna starts laughing at her and then realizes her phone is ringing reaches for it gets taken out by Gabby.


(WHISTLES)


Beth, your down!  Anna, your down!


ANNA


Hey, you can’t hit me when I am on the phone!


Gabby


Why not?


HeAD REF


Why not?


ANNA


Its just mean?


HEAD REF


Looked fine to me.


Head ref skates off chuckling and continues to call people out as they fall or commit penalties.  Finally it gets down to Gabby and Evi.


Evi


I’m coming for you little girl.


GABBY


Oh
shit
,
shit
,
shit
.


Evi comes over to make a hit on Gabby, gabby tucks down on her skates and takes a glancing blow from Evi’s hip across the top of her shoulder and tapping the helmet.


HEAD REF


High Block!  Evi, your out!


Evi


What the
fuck
?  She ducked down!


HEAD REF


Yeah, you can do that, then you proceeded to hit her and missed the legal contact zone.


EVI


Legal contact zone?  What the
fuck
?


HEAD REF


You know, the diagrams in the rules that explain what you can hit with, and where you can hit.


EVI


You expect me to read the rules?


HEAD REF


It would be nice.


The girls all skate around the track the other way as a cool down and then filter off to get changed out of there derby stuff.


EVI


Who is going to the bar?


CatHY


I’m in, this time I guess.


Denise


Why the hell not.


GabbY (to Holly)


Do you want to go?


HoLLY


Why not, they can’t be as bad when we are in our own town.


GABBY


Ok
, were in!


BETH


Cool, I don’t think we have had you two out yet?  You know where to go?


GABBY


Yeah, I have been there before.


HOLLY


I am riding with here, so she better know where we are going.


BetH


Hey refs!  You guys coming?


HeAD REF


After dealing with you girls for two hours can you imagine me not wanting a beer?


BETH


Point taken.


EVI


But we are so sweet!


HEAD REF


Sweet as in “sweet Jesus, what the
fuck
is she trying to get away with now.”
or
“Sweet Jesus, what the
fuck
was that?”


EVI


Exactly.


The girls all get there stuff packed up and leave the rink.



Post practice


Evi


Hey bartender!  Skinny bitch, right here!


Bartender


Ok
, Evi, coming right up.


Holly


What is a skinny bitch?


EvI


Vodka!  With diet soda sprayed near it.


HOLLY


Oh, looks dangerous.


EvI


Nonsense.  Skinny bitches make Evi happy, well one of them makes me happy, two of them make me want to party, three of them and I want to get in a fight.


GabbY


Your right, sounds dangerous.


Bartender


You two, your new, got
IDs
?


GABBY


Yeah, here.


Hands bartender ID, Holly does same.


BARTENDER


Ah, fresh meat, thanks girls.


Hands them
IDs
back.


BarTENDER (CONT’D)


What can I get you two?


GaBBY


Beer, pitcher of....


Looks at the taps.


HollY


Get the Grain Belt.


GABBY


Grain Belt, yeah.


BaRTENDER


Brain melt it is, that will be five bucks.


Holly grabs a five and a pair of ones out of here purse, hands it to bartender.  Bartender grabs them some mugs and the pitcher of beer.


BARTENDER (CONT’D)


Thanks ladies, have fun.


Holly


I sure hope we will.


Evi has walked to a large table at the back of the bar where some college kids were studying, she grabs the one kids notebook and tosses it across the room.  He gets up to retrieve it and she takes his chair.  The friends that he was with all vacate as well and the derby girls take the table.


Evi


I love it how they always save a table for us.


Denise


No kidding, I am so happy those kids exist.  If this was a biker bar that would be a lot harder to pull off.


EVI


Yeah, but I could get more dates.


DENISE


You would jut beat them up anyway.


EVI


Meh
, whatever works.


The group starts drinking and the roller girls are being loud and obnoxious.  Gabby and Holly seem a bit overwhelmed.  The refs grab a free table nearby.


Evi (CONT’D)


Who needs shots!


Gabby


No way, I have to drive.


EVI


Oh come on...


Holly


I’ll take her shot, she is driving me anyway.


EVI


Your already getting one, you want to do two?


HOLLY


(
hesitantly
)I guess...


GabbY


Thanks Holly.


Holly


I will be fine with two as long as it isn’t something too nasty.


Evi (yelling)


Hey, bartender! I need a round of whiskey shots!


Bartender


Well you better come up here and get them, I know better than to venture out with you girls.


EVI


Oh your no fun.


GABBY


Hey, I am going to go say hi to our refs.


HoLLY


I am going to sit here and get drunk I guess.


Evi


Hey Holly, I saw that face when I said whiskey, I got a solution for that.


(yelling, bad british accent)


Hey barkeep, mind getting me a pussy wash with that as well?


BaRTENDER


Cheerio

m’lady
.


HollY


How is it I don’t want to know.


Evi


Nah
, just a glass of soda, washes it down.


HOLLY


I think that is the nicest thing I have ever heard of you doing.


EVI


Well, your a newbie still, can’t kill you yet.


HOLLY


Yet...


Meanwhile down at the ref table.


Head REF


For a clockwise block you have to look at the direction of the skates relative to the track, well actually just one of them.


ReFEREE


Oh,
ok
, so if the skates, or skate break the perpendicular as the block is committed...


HEAD REF


Yeah, now you got it.


REFEREE


Excellent.


GABBY


Hey, mind if I join you two.


HEAD REF


Sure, grab a chair.


GABBY


So I have a question for you two, what do you think that this team needs to actually win a bout.


REFEREE


Other than playing against a team made up of senior citizens?


HEAD REF


I think she means to win a fair bout.


GABBY


Yeah, like a real bout against a real team.


HEAD REF


Well we do have some talent right now.


GABBY


Then what do we need to do?


REFEREE


We need to basically get a new team if we want to win, the one we have now wont cut it.


GABBY


What do you mean?


REFEREE


One girl might be able to stop one opposing player, but in the pack you have four opposing players, one girl can’t stop four of them.


GABBY


But we have four players, why can’t we each just concentrate on one player each.


REFEREE


Because the four players we are playing against know how to play as a team, we play as individuals.


GABBY


Oh, I see what your getting at.


HeAD REF


If you have two people working together it is a lot more formidable that one player playing by herself.  If you have all four playing together then it is like a pack of death.


GABBY


Well, how do you fix that?


HEAD REF


You need a coach, unfortunately, we can’t do that.


GABBY


Why not?  You are the refs, you know the game, why can’t you coach?


HEAD REF


Well, we have to maintain a separation between ourselves as officials and ourselves as team members, we are not really part of the team, we are more like groupies with stripes.


REFEREE


That and we have the wrong equipment.


GABBY


Wrong equipment?


HEAD REF


Between our legs.


GABBY


Ohhhh
.


REFEREE


It was made clear to us a long time ago by the core of the team over there what our place in this league is, we get to wear the stripes but they wear the pants.


GABBY


Is there anyway that you could just give us little hints, point us along?


HEAD REF


We try, but it doesn’t work, they will do what they want to do, and unless something happens that starts to challenge them as the dominant players in the league it will never change.


GABBY


What if you found some new dominant players in the league?


HEAD REF


Well, with the way that they dominate the practices and make sure that we never actually get any learning done they kind of prevent anyone from ever getting good enough to make it to that level.


GABBY


Couldn’t you do something to help some girls get to that level?


REFEREE


Once again, wrong equipment, they would flip out.


GABBY


What if you didn’t tell them?


HEAD REF


But if we had a special practice at the rink they would figure it out, they may not be dedicated to learning but they are always around the rink, they would figure it out.


GABBY


What if you held it elsewhere?


REFEREE


Like where?


GABBY


They just repaved a parking lot at the school, and it is summer, it usually wide open.


HEAD REF


That would be a good place to learn how to skate, get some outdoor wheels, but you need more that skating skills, you need teamwork.


GABBY


What if one of you came up some time and coached outdoors?


HEAD REF


Still wrong equipment.


REFEREE


Well, if it was done on the down-low, I suppose it would not hurt, but who would come?


GABBY


Well, I know I could get Holly out there, maybe some of the other new girls would come too.


REFEREE


Hmmmm
, outdoor ninja practice, I think I might like this idea.


Gabby


Ok
, lets do it, give me your number and I will see if we can find an evening that will work for all of us.


REFEREE


Ok
, sounds good.


They exchange numbers and then Gabby goes back to check on Holly.  Holly has gotten drunk and she goes and pours her into a car to bring her home.


HOLLY


So what were you talking about with the refs?


GABBY


We were talking about what is wrong with this team and how to fix it.


HOLLY


Did the answer involve murders?  I got a cousin who had a dead hooker removal web site, maybe derby girls would be close enough.


GABBY


No, we were talking about having a ninja practice, super secret, trying to teach the
newbies
to be better that the girls that are there now.


HOLLY


I can see that going over like a lead balloon.


GABBY


Or maybe it will force the old girls to have to change their style of play to keep up with the
newbies
and everyone will win.


HOLLY


Oh hey, didn’t think of that, I saw you got the cute ref’s number too.


GABBY


Just so I can have him come and coach us.


HOLLY


Oh yeah, justify it anyway you want, admit it, you like him.


GABBY


Nah
, I don’t like vertical stripes.



UNOFFICIAL OFFICIAL


The referee, Holly, Gabby, and two other girls are getting their skates and pads on in the parking lot.


REFEREE


You were right, this is a really nice lot.  Everyone had outdoor wheels right?


Holly


Outdoor wheels?


REFEREE


Yeah, I usually just take my oldest pair of wheels and declare them to be outdoor wheels, then I don’t care if they get torn up, usually outdoor wheels are softer, makes it easier to deal with bumps and what-not.


HOLLY


Oh, I don’t have outdoor wheels, I was thinking of replacing these ones though.


GABBY


Congratulations!  You have outdoor wheels.


HOLLY


Yeah!  Go me!


GABBY


So, Referee, what are we going to do today?


RefEREE


Not sure, with only four of us here I was thinking of some hitting pace lines, can’t really scrimmage.


GABBY


Well, actually getting practice giving hits instead of just receiving them would be a nice change.


REFEREE


That’s what I was thinking.


(BEAT)


Ok
girls, line up, skate around in an oval about here, lets warm up, when I blow the whistle everyone squat skate, when I blow it twice, do a knee stop and take off the other direction, go!


The girls do exactly as they are told and the ref skates along with them, checking his stop watch and blowing the whistle.


HoLLY (to gabby)


So, this is what a real practice is suppose to be like, huh?


GaBBY (tO HOLLY)


Appears so.


They finish the drill, the ref blows the end jamming whistles (four short), they all skate to the center.


REFEREE


Ok
, Holly, lead stretches.


HOLLY


Ok
, arms across....


(BEAT)


And over the top...


They stretch, then the ref blows the whistle and they all huddle to the center of the lot.


RefEREE


OK, I want you to form a pace line, skate at about 50%, person from the back weaves through the line hip checking each girl as she goes by., After you all have gone through from the back, start over front person going to the back this time.


HOLLY


After we go through the cycle do you want us to cycle through it again?


REFEREE


Um
, no, I am actually going to change it up.


HOLLY


Ok
.


GABBY


Got, lets roll ladies!


RefEREE


Ok
, nice line, fifty percent, I am going to be calling penalties and making commentary, so keep it legal.


The girls skate out and in a big oval weaving through and hip checking.  Gabby starts side skating, flipping to always have her back to the blocker.


Holly


Damn girl what are you trying to do?


GABBY


Think about it, how can they hit me if I have my back to them?


Derby Girl


Like this!


Derby Girl comes in and tries to just push Gabby out of bounds with the shoulder.


REFEREE


White 42!  Back Block!


DERBY GIRL


What the hell?


REFEREE


You hit her in the back!


DERBY GIRL


But I was right beside her, how are you suppose to hit them if they are like that?


REFEREE


You get in their way, try to get them to hit you, positionally block, but you can’t touch them.


DERBY GIRL


But that’s like cheating!


GABBY


No it isn’t, I have seen other teams do it.


REFEREE


Its fine, and it is legal, if you want to side skate around the inside, and you are quick enough and good enough on your feet to pull it off it is a great maneuver.  But it does have its disadvantages.


The girls skate out and Gabby goes sideways again, she tries to go to the inside, but the rest of the people blocking her all form up on the line and don’t give her a space to slide through.


GABBY


Huh, I guess it doesn’t always work.


REFEREE


No, but it will sometimes, so what you do is adjust your tactic to how they are defending.  If they are giving enough of a gap to sneak through and you can side skate through the hole, do that, if they are defending against that find something else that works.


The rest of the practice is just drills, drills, drills.  Gets to the end of the time, everybody cools down and then starts getting ready to leave.


GABBY


Hey, thanks for helping us out!


HOLLY


Yeah, this was a lot more effective than the normal practices.


REFEREE


No problem, maybe we can recruit some more people for next time.


GABBY


There were a few more people that may come next week, and I will talk to some people about what we are doing, see if they want in.


REFEREE


Sounds good, just keep me from getting in trouble with the league and I will be happy.


GABBY


Well, you know that they are going to find out eventually.


REFEREE


Yeah, but as long as by the time they find out we have already developed something that they can see and appreciate, it should be
ok
.  Have a nice night girls, I have to go and get some work done.


GABBY


Ok
, good night!


Holly


Good night!


DERBY GIRL


Yeah, talk to you later.



Next Practice


REFEREE


Cool it looks like we have a few more people here tonight.


GABBY


I think that the word is starting to get out that we are doing this.


REFEREE


Cool, The more people we have the more we can do.


GABBY


Do you have some ideas for today?


REFEREE


Yes, I think its endless jammer time.


GABBY


What is that?


REFEREE


You will see.
Ok
, everyone on the pivot line except you three, Gabby, Holly, and you in the red, you three on the jammer line.


HOLLY


What are we doing?


REFEREE


Endless Jammer.  You in the pack, about half of you are wearing white, the other half is wearing other colors.  You work to either hinder of help the appropriate jammer as they come through.  Speed up the pack, slow it down, whatever is needed.  Now as for you jammers, we have one person in red, and two in white, you all follow twenty feet behind the pack as it works its way around, you go one at a time trying to work through the pack, once one person makes it, the next person goes.  I will be switching people out of the pack and into the jammers as we go along, lets go!


Blows whistle, the girls start skating.  Holly Goes first.


Girl in Pack


Jammer Coming!


Holly


Make a hole!  Make a hole!


GIRL IN PACK


Jammer Outside!


Holly approaches outside and her teammates make a hole to the inside, she dives inside and squeezes through.


Red Jammer


Ok
, I guess I will go next.


RefEREE


Holly, tag one of the girls on your team out and join the pack, she can go into the jammer cycle.


HOLLY


Ok
, got it.


Holly skates back, picks one girl who skates up to join the jammers.


RED JAMMER


Make a hole!


Holly


Jammer coming outside, form a wall!  Form a wall!


Red Jammer gets hung up in the pack but eventually fights her way through.


RED JAMMER


That looks a lot easier from back there, wow.


ReFEREE


Defence makes a big difference.


RED JAMMER


Those walls are effective, its hard to get a shoulder in to push through.


REFEREE


Walls, and also diamonds, when you can form them.
Ok
Gabby, go ahead.


GaBBY


On it.


Red JAMMER


Form up!  Form up, jammer coming, make a wall.


Red Jammer gets the pack to form up, traps one opposing blocker behind, the rest of the opposing blockers are in front just hanging out.


GABBY


Break up that wall!


RED JAMMER


Keep it solid, hold it tight!


GABBY


Come on girls!  Help your jammer.


Gabby tries to fight her way through, gets a shoulder in but then gets twisted up and goes down hard.


RefEREE


Gabby, are you
ok
?


GABBY


No,
fuck
....


REFEREE


Take a knee!


The referee skates over to find out what happened.


REFEREE (CONT’D)


What happened, where did you hit?


GABBY


I came down on my wrist.


REFEREE


How did it hit?


GABBY


Palm down, I think I may have broke it.


REFEREE


OK, we should go get that one checked, do you want a ride to the hospital?


GABBY


Yes. (
smiles
at him)


REFEREE


Ok
.


Referee stands up and turn around to the rest of the girls kneeling on the track.


REFEREE (CONT’D)


Hey, I am going to take her to the hospital, get her wrist checked out.  Feel free to continue doing some drills, but keep the hitting down to a minimum.


HOLLY


I will lead them through some stuff.


ReFEREE


Ok
, sounds god, let me know how it goes, I will call you later when we know how things are.


GaBBY


Keep them safe Holly.


HoLLY


You got it girl.


REFEREE


Ok
, lets go.


Referee leads Gabby to his car, they drive off to the hospital.



The Hospital


Doctor


So, let me guess, derby girl?


Gabby


How did you guess.


DOCTOR


Well, your here with a guy in stripes, and I have seen this injury before.


RefEREE


So what do you think Doctor?


DOCTOR


Well, we will have to x-ray it, sometimes you break either the end of the Radius, or the Scaphoid bone.


GABBY


Well, lets get the x-rays going and see what we have.


DOCTOR


Ok
, lets go.


Gabby goes off to get her had x-rayed, the Referee waits in the waiting room.  After a few minutes she comes back and has a seat.


ReferEE


So, on a level of one to ten.  Are you safe at home?


GABBY


Oh I am fine at home, four, I am only in danger when I leave the house.


REFEREE


So, you are saying this was caused by Goblins?


GABBY


Gremlins, they are very mean.


REFEREE


Would you like to talk to one of our councillors, see if there is anything we can do about these gremlins?


GABBY


I am not sure how much you could do, they are kind of ephemeral.


REFEREE


So your are saying next time they are going to try to break your legs?


GABBY


Actually I am pretty sure they are plotting to booby trap my sidewalk.


REFEREE


Are you going to need an escort to make sure your safe.


GABBY


Maybe.


REFEREE


How about dinner?


GABBY


Maybe.


The doctor walks into the room with the x-ray in his hand.


DOCTOR


Ok
, lets see what we have here.


GABBY


I bet they are going to have to amputate.


ReFEREE


Well, if they did you would not have to wear a wrist guard on the stump I don’t think.


DOCTOR


Cute.  Actually I don’t see anything here that would require amputation.  Looks like you just got a healthy sprain, I would ice it, take some ibuprofen for the pain.  I am going to give you a wrist brace, and I would take a break from skating until it feels a bit better.  It will likely hurt for a while, but it will get better.


REFEREE


How long do you think?


DOCTOR


I would look at it in a week or so, make sure there is nothing that was not evident, but by then it should start to feel better.  You should be fine to skate after that, but I would like to x-ray it again in a week or so.


GABBY


Ok
, I guess I can handle that.


DOCTOR


I have a nice fancy wrist brace for you, I don’t think it is sufficient for skating, but it is likely a lot more comfortable.


ReFEREE


Well, at least it doesn’t look like it is broken.


DOCTOR


Sometimes if it is broken it actually heals faster than if it is sprained, but since you had wrist guards on when you did hurt it, that took a lot of the force off.


REFEREE


Well, that’s good.  You wanna go?


GaBBY


Are you going to buy me dinner?


REFEREE


I suppose I could do that.


GABBY


Ok
, lets tell the team how thing are before we go though.


REFEREE


I will text Holly, she will tell everyone else.


GABBY


Oh yeah, she is good for that.


Doctor


Yeah, just check out with the front desk, we are pretty much done here.


ReferEE


Thanks, so, what do you think, pick you up at seven?


GaBBY


That sounds good.  I suppose you will know where I live now since you have to give me a ride home.


REFEREE


I guess I will.


The referee and Gabby walk out of the doctors office.



Holly comes home


Gabby


So how did the rest of the practice go?


HolLY


Good, we did some weaving and endurance stuff, decided to put the kibosh on having any more hitting drills.


GABBY


That was likely a good idea.


HOLLY


So what did the doctor say about the wrist?


GABBY


I have to go back in a week and make sure that nothing is really messed up, but it should be fine.


HOLLY


I am so happy you didn’t actually break it.


GABBY


Me too.


HOLLY


So still hating vertical stripes.


GABBY


I think that they are starting to grow on me.


HOLLY


Oh really.


GABBY


Yeah, we are going to go to dinner tonight.


HOLLY


Huh?


GABBY


Yeah, we were joking around while we were at the doctor’s office and in among joking about gremlins he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner.


HOLLY


Well, anything else?


GABBY


Nothing yet, I guess we will find out tonight.



Dinner


Referee walks up to Gabby’s door and rings the doorbell.


Gabby


Hey, its nice to see you not in stripes.


ReFEREE


Well, I wear them on the inside when I am not on skates.


GABBY


Hmmm
, So when are you not in ref mode?


REFEREE


I keep it suppressed when I am in public, it does come out when I drive sometimes.


GABBY


So when you rear-end some one do you hold your hands up trying to say its not a back block?


REFEREE


That and I occasionally call illegal procedures or lead jammer.


GABBY


So, where are we going tonight?


REFEREE


Do you like Mexican?


GABBY


Sure.


REFEREE


The Hacienda it is then.


They walk down to the referee’s car and get in.


GABBY


So, what do you do other than ref?


REFEREE


In the real world I have a boring office job.  I basically just shuffle papers around all day.  How about you?


GABBY


I am still going to school, so I have not gotten to the point of getting a real job yet.  I work in a coffee shop to pay my bills. I usually work early mornings so I get done long before we do any of the derby stuff.


REFEREE


Yeah, I have been just taking half days for when we have derby stuff, it has been slow and I have a bunch of
comp
time they want me to burn up anyway.


GABBY


That is cool, I was wondering how you ended up with afternoons off al of the time.


REFEREE


I figure I should have enough
comp
time to finish out the summer, then we will have to figure something else out.  But the nice thing is that I have weekends off all of the time.


GABBY


That is really nice.  I don’t always have weekends off, but most of the time I do.  There is a weekday morning crowd that likes me, so I get the morning shifts all of the time.


REFEREE


Well, how could they not like you.


GABBY


(chuckles) I am not sure how anyone could not like me.


They arrive at the restaurant.


Hostess


How many?


ReFEREE


Two.


HOSTESS


Right this way.


REFEREE


Thanks.


GaBBY


I don’t think I have ever actually eaten here.


REFEREE


I like it.  It is pretty casual.


HostESS


Here you go.  Can I get you anything to drink?


REFEREE


I will take a Margarita.


GabbY


Oh, me too.


HoSTESS


Do you have
IDs
?


GABBY


Sure, (digs in purse) here you go.


HOSTESS


Thanks.


ReFEREE


Here’s mine.


HOSTESS


Ok
, good, two
Margaritas
coming up.


REFEREE


I hope not, not right away anyway.


HOSTESS


Huh?


GABBY


You goof (taps him in the stomach).


ReFEREE


Sorry, it just spilled out.


GABBY


Well, don’t let it happen again.


REFEREE


Oh, please?


GABBY


Ok
, maybe, but try to make it a better joke next time.


REFEREE


I will try, I can’t make any promises though.


Hostess (monotone)


Here are your
Margaritas
, and some chips, our special tonight is
quesadilla
con
queso
for $8.49 or
quesadilla
ranchero for $8.99.  I will be back in a minute.


REFEREE


Wow, I wonder if she says that in her sleep.


GabbY


Well, there is only one way to find out.


REFEREE


Seduce her?  Here?  I have found in the past that when I seduce one girl while at dinner with another it never turns out well.


GABBY


You have found this out in the past?


REFEREE


Well, Not really, but I am guessing.


GABBY


Ok
, that is better, but that is not what I meant.


REFEREE


Ok
, then what, ask her?


GABBY


Are you crazy, even if she does she would never admit it.


REFEREE


Ok
, so what is the solution.


GABBY


Dice.


REFEREE


Wha
?  Dice?


GABBY


Yep, Dice, always keep a pair of percentile dice on me for this very reason.


REFEREE


Ok
, so how does this work?


GABBY


Simple (reaches into purse and pulls out two ten sided dice) You ask the dice your question and then roll.  Here, try it.


REFEREE


Ok
.  Dear dice, does the waitress talk about the specials in her sleep?


Referee Rolls the dice they come up with a 60 and a 2.


Gabby


Hmmm
, sixty two percent chance.  Looks to me like she does.


REFEREE


Interesting, very interesting.  Lets see what else we can determine.


GABBY


Just be careful the dice are a very powerful thing.


REFEREE


Hmm, Magic dice, should I have the
quesadilla
con
Queso
tonight?


Referee rolls dice, gets a 90 and a 6.


GABBY


Looks like you are not going to be the only thing that is cheesy tonight.


REFEREE


Hmmm
, amazing.


Hostess


So, have you decided on anything?


RefEREE


Yeah, I am going to get the
Quesadilla
con
Queso
.


HOSTESS


Do you want that mild, medium, or hot.


REFEREE


Medium


HOSTESS


Ok
, and for you
maam
?


GABBY


And I am going to get the
Quesadilla
Rancheros.


HOSTESS


Would you like that Mild, medium, or hot.


GABBY


Um
Medium.


HoSTESS


Do you both want that with refried beans and Spanish rice on the side?


GABBY


Yeah, that sounds good.


RefEREE


Yeah.  Sounds good.


HoSTESS


Ok
, that will be up in a bit for you.


REFEREE


So other than working at a coffee shop, and keeping dice in your purse, what else do you do?


GABBY


Well, Roller derby, but you already know that.


REFEREE


Well, yeah, but other than roller derby.


GABBY


Not really that much actually.  I have been kind of a homebody lately.  Read, hang out with Holly, that is about it.


REFEREE


Hmmm
, so your trying to say that you don’t have a bundle of boyfriends hiding in your closet.


GABBY


Nope, have not been out enough to wrangle any I guess.  So, what, other than work and roller derby do you do?


REFEREE


Well, when I am not reading the rules or skating around blowing my whistle and yelling at people I go out occasionally, but also like to sit at home and read.


GABBY


Read?  Like what?


REFEREE


Actually?  I have been on a dry Russian novel kick.


GABBY


Oh?  Which ones?


REFEREE


I just finished Dr.
Zhivago
, now working on reading the Idiot.


GABBY


I don’t think I would look to either of those for
relasionship
advice.


REFEREE


Well before that I read Anna
Karinina
, I suddenly had a new respect for the usefulness of trains.


GABBY (in cheesy Russian accent)


This is
Vronsky’s
suicide prevention
hotline
, please do not throw yourself under the train.


REFEREE (in simpish voice)


Oh, but I don’t know, I got a baby with a guy I cheated on my husband with and I am not sure if I love the older crabby Russian or the younger irresponsible Russian.  I just can’t decide.


GABBY (In CHEESY RUSSIAN ACCENT)


Maam
, think of the children, please
maam
, think of the children.


REFEREE (IN SIMPISH VOICE)


Whoops, too late.
Splat
.


GABBY


Oh, that’s horrible.


REFEREE


Even scarier is that we both know the references.


GABBY


I guess sometimes being literate is a good thing.


REFEREE


Either that or these
Margaritas
are stronger than we think.


GABBY


Its a possibility.


REFEREE


So, how is the wrist feeling?


GABBY


Its feeling pretty good actually.  It is sore, but not too bad.


REFEREE


It is a good thing that Roller Derby requires full pads for pretty much every bout, practice, and everything.


GABBY


Yeah, it is.  I guess it saves a lot of trouble that way.


REFEREE


It does, I know that it has saved me a lot of trouble before.


GABBY


So, speaking of derby, what do you think of this league?  Is there any hope?


REFEREE


I think there is hope, but it is not with the core we have now.  They have become complacent.


GABBY


Complacent?


REFEREE


Yeah, they don’t seem to want to actually have to do any work.  They want to be the stars but they wont admit that they are holding everyone back in order to maintain that.


GABBY


I am sure they would be stars anyway.


REFEREE


Some of them could be, easily.  But they want to be able to be the stars without actually doing any work in the process.  They want it to just be that way without them having to put any effort into trying to get better.


GABBY


That kind of sucks.


REFEREE


The biggest thing is that they disrupt and hold the practices back, so no one is really getting any better.


GABBY


Of course now we have our own practices.


REFEREE


And I think that they are going to make a difference.


GABBY


Force the old crew to step up.


REFEREE


Yeah, make them work when they realize that people are getting better no matter how much they try to keep them from doing so.


GABBY


I like the way you think.


REFEREE


I like...


GABBY


Yes?


REFEREE


Oh, nothing.


GABBY


So, on another subject, how did you get involved in this?


REFEREE


I actually got started about two years ago.  I was living in Portland at the time.  I started as a
NSO
, as they actually had dedicated
NSOs
there.  It was a completely different animal than here.


GABBY


They actually had non-skating officials they would keep?


REFEREE


Yeah, it was really cool.  The whole staff would be trained so when you went to a bout everyone already knew their parts and would just go to their spots and do it.


GABBY


That is really cool.


REFEREE


It worked really well too.  The team was good too.  I had just started as a skating referee when I lost my job and came back here.


GABBY


Oh, that sucks.


REFEREE


Yeah, and then I ended up with this team where we have two refs and no
NSOs
, unless you count injured skaters.


GABBY


What a change that must have been.


REFEREE


It made it really hard at first, although it did allow me to get a huge jump up the scales on my refereeing.


GABBY


I suppose.


REFEREE


It is frustrating though, we could be a lot better.  I suppose that is why I am doing these secondary practices.  I want people to succeed, and the only way that they are going to do so is going to be if they work at it.


GABBY


And we are having more people show up now.


REFEREE


Yeah, the practice looked like it was going to go really well.


GABBY


Until I ruined it.


REFEREE


I don’t think it was ruined.  I talked to Holly after I dropped you off, I guess it went pretty well.


GABBY


So you don’t think that they are going to keel-haul me for ruining practice.


REFEREE


No, I think your going to do fine.


GABBY


Good, I was really worried about that.


REFEREE


Oh look!  Food.


HOSTESS


Here you go, plates are hot, can I get you anything else?


REFEREE


Two more of these
Margaritas
.


HOSTESS


Sounds good, I will be right back with those.


GABBY


These
Margaritas
are pretty good.


REFEREE


Lets hope this food is too.


GABBY


Wow, there is a lot here.


REFEREE


Yeah, this place specialized in feeding fat Americans.


GABBY


Either that or creating new ones.


REFEREE


Maybe.  I think it takes more than one meal to make a fat American.


GABBY


I hope so, if not I think we are both screwed.


REFEREE


Oh boy, here comes more
Maragritas
, I think that if not screwed at least we will both be drunk.


GABBY


Whee
!


About fifteen minutes later, the food is mostly gone, and the drinks are finished.


REFEREE


So, what do you think another round or shall we call it a night?


GABBY


I don’t know, I am thinking these are working pretty good.


REFEREE


Does that mean another round?


GABBY


Oh yeah, I think that means one more round, then we can call it a night.


REFEREE (waves at Hostess)


Yes, can we get one more round of these?


HoSTESS


Sure.


REFEREE


I guess I will take the tab then too.


HOSTESS


Ok
, I will be back in a moment.


REFEREE


Excellent.


GaBBY


Woo
Hoo
!  More
Margaritas
!


REFEREE


I am starting to wonder if another round was a good idea or not.


GABBY


I am
ok
, not to drive, but other than that I am fine.


REFEREE


I might suck down a water too, I had forgotten about that whole driving thing.


GABBY


Oh, whoops, I forgot about that too.


REFEREE


I know where I am, and I am
ok
, I am more worried about tomorrow morning.


GABBY


Drink a
Gatorade
before bed.


REFEREE


Yeah, that does seem to help, unfortunately I am out, and there are no convenience stores between my place and yours.


GABBY


I only have the half a bottle left at home from practice today too.


REFEREE


Ewww
, nasty backwash.


GABBY


Hey I am not that nasty.


REFEREE


No, your not.


GABBY


Good.


Hostess


Here you go, and here is your tab.


REFEREE


Thanks.


GABBY


You want to go dutch?


REFEREE


No, I got it, I will let you off for free tonight since you injured, when I get hurt you can pay for dinner.


GABBY


You got a deal mister.


REFEREE


So do you have to work tomorrow?


GABBY


Yeah, but I have an espresso machine that makes the mornings go just fine.


REFEREE


Oh, that sounds good.  I have a coffee machine at work but I am really not sure what the sludge that they are serving in there is.


GABBY


Does it look like coffee?


REFEREE


No, more like tea.


GABBY


Oh gross.  You could stop by tomorrow.  I can hook you up with a cup of coffee for the morning.


REFEREE


Oh, that sounds good.


GABBY


If your really nice I may even allow you to put cream and sugar in it.


REFEREE


Ewww
, coffee pollution.


GABBY


So, black coffee then?


REFEREE


I guess black coffee it is.  Not that I am racist about my coffee consumption, but I do really prefer it to be black.


GABBY


I could make you one of my evil little magic shots.


REFEREE


You little magic shots?


GABBY


Yeah, it is something I call a crack shot.  I really would not recommend having more than one of them, they are made of some pretty tough stuff.


REFEREE


What are they made of?


GABBY


Its a shot of espresso topped off with the cold press concentrate.


REFEREE


What is cold press.


GABBY


Oh that, its a way of cold brewing coffee, it ends up really smooth, but you are suppose to dilute it like five to one.


REFEREE


And you are using the stuff full strength?


GABBY


Yeah, there is a reason that I would not recommend having more than one of them.  Or if you have a history of heart problems or ulcers.


REFEREE


That sounds pretty interesting.


GABBY


So will I see you tomorrow?


REFEREE


I guess you will.



The Goodnight Kiss


REFEREE


Well I got you home without adding any more injuries.


GABBY


Thanks, I had a good time.


REFEREE


Maybe we can do it again sometime?


GABBY


I think that we can.


REFEREE


Woo
Hoo
!  I guess I wont feel strange about stopping by tomorrow for one of the crack shots then.


GABBY


I certainly hope that you wouldn’t.


REFEREE


Well, I will see you tomorrow then.  I guess I should get going.


GABBY


Yeah, I suppose you have to work early too.


REFEREE


Yeah I do....


Gabby steps up and plants a big kiss on him as he stands there, he is startled but figures it out.


GABBY


Hope I wasn’t being to forward.


REFEREE


No, I don’t think so.


GABBY


Good, wouldn’t want to scare you away, I am just starting to like having you around.


REFEREE


Me too.


They have another quick kiss and she goes inside, he walks back down the walkway to go home.



Holly questions Gabby


HOLLY


So how was your date?


GaBBY


It wasn’t a date.


HOLLY


It looked like a date from what I saw on the walk way.


GABBY


You were watching?


HOLLY


I heard you come home, I was in the kitchen making myself a
sammich
and heard you talking.


GABBY


Still, we are just friends.


HOLLY


Yeah friends that smooch on the sidewalk.


GABBY


That doesn’t mean anything.


HOLLY


So what, its only a date if you bring him in?


GABBY


Hey, I was a little tipsy, he was really nice.


HOLLY


Whatever happened to not liking vertical stripes?


GABBY


He wasn’t wearing stripes tonight, I can still not like him if he is wearing stripes.


HOLLY


The thing about refs, they always wear the stripes.


GABBY


What is that suppose to mean?


HOLLY


Oh nothing, it just that he is always going to be the ref.


GABBY


So.


HOLLY


Its not like your going to be able to expect preferential treatment when you are in a bout.


GABBY


Well, of course not.


HOLLY


But you will anyway.  He will call you for a penalty and then you wont talk to him for a week because of it.


GABBY


Oh come now, you know me better than that.


HOLLY


Oh just you wait, you will see what I am talking about.


GABBY


Your such a goof.  I am going to bed.


HOLLY


Well, sleep well, hold your pillow tight, whisper sweet derby nothings in its ear.


GABBY


Gah
, your incorrigible.



Coffee stop


Gabby


Hey referee!  I see your still alive.


ReFEREE


Yeah, I survived.  How are you feeling?


GABBY


The
Gatorade
did the trick, feeling just fine.


REFEREE


That's amazing those
Margaritas
were pretty strong last night.


GABBY


I am a tough girl, so wanna try a crack shot?


REFEREE


Sure I guess I could handle one of those.  I think I will need it to get through today anyway.


GABBY


Tough day of paper shuffling ahead.


REFEREE


Oh yeah, we have been doing some reorganization of things lately, so mostly re-shuffling of papers today I think.


GABBY


Well, I will give you something to help with that.


Gabby goes and pulls a shot on the espresso machine, then tops it off with cold press.


GABBY (CONT’D)


Here you go.


REFEREE


Thanks.


Referee takes a sip and you can see him trying not to have his face curl up.  Another customer walks up in line behind him.


GABBY


So, pretty good huh?


REFEREE


Oh my God, that would strip paint.


GABBY


See why I wont give them to people with heart conditions.


REFEREE


Wow, I can already feel the caffeine coursing through my veins.


Customer


She gave you a crack shot didn’t she.


REFEREE


Yeah.  Pretty good, but wow!


CUSTOMER


Yeah those are pretty rough at first.


GABBY


Oh come on, they are tasty.


CUSTOMER


Tasty and lethal.


REFEREE


I think I like them.


GABBY


See, he likes it.  Here I will get you a cup of coffee to go too.


REFEREE


Hey thanks, so what do I owe ya?


GABBY


Bah
, you got dinner, I am getting this.


CuSTOMER


That and she works here, and this time of the morning what she says goes.


ReFEREE


I am starting to see how this works.


CUSTOMER


You will figure it out.


GabbY


So, John, cup of coffee and a bagel today?


CUSTOMER


You know me, can’t change.


GABBY


Wouldn’t expect you too.  Here you go Referee, give me a call later if you are bored.


ReFEREE


Ok
, will do.


Gabby


Later, have fun at work


REFEREE


You too.


CustOMER


So, what is it I am sensing here?


GabBY


Stuff it or your not getting your bagel John.


CuSTOMER


Stuffed.


GABBY


Good.



After Work


REFEREE (INTO PHONE)


Hey, Gabby, This is Referee, so, are you doing anything tonight? (
beat
)
Ok
, cool, I was going to go out with a couple of friends and grab a beer or three thought maybe if you wanted to come along. (
beat
)
Ok
, cool.  Pick you up at eight? (
beat
)
Ok
, that sounds great.  I will see you then.



Picking her up


The referee walks up to the door and rings the bell.


Referee


Hey.


Holly


Hey.  So, what are your intentions.


REFEREE


What?


HOLLY


This is my roommate, and I have to question your intentions.


REFEREE


While the plan was to take her out and have a few beers with friends and then we can all get to know each other.


HOLLY


So, your going to get my roommate drunk.


REFEREE


Not specifically.


HOLLY


Admit it!  Your just trying to get her drunk so you can play tonsil hockey on the front porch again!  I knew it.


GABBY (from inside)


Holly?  What the hell are you doing?


HOLLY


Oh, nothing, just protecting you soul!


REFEREE


I have no idea what is going on.


GABBY


Oh hell, Holly, be nice, not everyone has come face to face with your other side.


REFEREE


That’s not another side, that is a whole different personality.


HOLLY


Muw-ha-ha
!


REFEREE


Now I am kind of
scred
.  Does this happen
everytime
.


GABBY


Just full moons and when she is trying to put someone off balance.  Ignore her and she ill go away.


HOLLY


Oh fine, ruin my fun.  Have a good time!  And bring her home on time or...


Holly does the ‘eyes watching you’ thing with her fingers.


REFEREE


I think next time maybe I should have you pick me up.


GABBY


Oh, don’t worry about her.


REFEREE


Ok
, I guess.


GABBY


Of course if anyone ever hurt me she would likely be firing up the wood chipper in the garage and staying up all night plotting.


REFEREE


Why does none of this do anything to make me feel better.


GABBY


I am sure you will be fine.


REFEREE


Yeah, right up until I wake up in the wood chipper.


GABBY


I am pretty sure she keeps a stock pile of ether on hand for those situations.


REFEREE


What?


GABBY


I am just saying that you wont wake up.


REFEREE


This is not making me feel any better.


GABBY


But I am feeling really safe.


REFEREE


Oh,
ok
.  Yeah, I suppose.


They get to the bar.  There are a couple of guys sitting at a table with beers.


RefEREE (CONT’D)


Hey guys this is Gabby.  Gabby this is Mike, Tommy, and Joe.


GABBY


Hi guys.


Mike


Hi.  So Referee, you didn't tell us you were bringing anyone.  Who is this?


REFEREE


She is one of the roller girls.


Tommy


Oh oh, I see where the conversation will be going tonight.


REFEREE


What is that suppose to mean?


TOMMY


Oh nothing.  It is just that I foresee some roller derby talk tonight.


GABBY


Like that is a bad thing.  Really what is wrong with talking about hot women in fishnets beating the
crap
out of each other.


TOMMY


Well,
um
....


Joe


I don’t see anything wrong with it.


ReFEREE


If it makes you feel better I can tell you all about the paperwork tsunami I have been dealing with at work.


GABBY


Oh, and I can tell you everything you ever didn’t want to know about coffee.


MIKE


Um
.  How about not.


TOMMY


We could just talk about the weather.


Joe


Sailing ships and sealing wax.


GABBY


And whether pigs have wings?


REFEREE


Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you guys.


GABBY


I got a better idea.  How about if we just drink beer and see what comes up.


REFEREE


Ok
, sounds good.  Another pitcher?


TomMY


Yeah, this one looks like it is on life support.


REFEREE


I will get this one.


TOMMY


Ok
, I will sit here and prepare to drink your beer.


REFEREE


Gabby, you want anything special?


GABBY


Beer is good.


REFEREE


Ok
, coming up.


Meanwhile at the other end of the bar.


Evi


Hey look its our referee over there again.


Anna


And he is with the new girl.


EVI


Well, this is an interesting development.


ANNA


What are you thinking.


EVI


I think we will have to sit back and watch.  Wouldn’t want things to get out of hand between the referees and the skaters.  Next thing you know we will all have to put out.


ANNA


I could do that.


Evi


Well, I know that.  But the rest of us may not be as willing.


ANNA


I was just kidding anyway.


EVI


Are you sure.


ANNA


Well, mostly.  The ref staff is too old for me anyway.


EVI


They are ten years younger than you.


ANNA


Just ten?  Like I said, too old for me.


EVI


I just don’t know what to do with you.


ANNA


Just bask in the glory.


Back with Gabby and referee.


Tommy


So, Gabby, what did you do to the wrist?


GABBY


Oh, I sprained it.


TOMMY


How did you do that?


GABBY


I fell on it during practice.


TOMMY


I take it this is not a career ending injury then.


GABBY


Oh no, it is feeling a lot better already.  I only did this yesterday, but I am keeping the brace on until I go back to the doctor.


TOMMY


Oh, here and I thought we were going to have to have a little talk with referee about how to treat a woman.


GABBY (laughing)


Oh no, my roommate already gave him that talk.


REFEREE


Talk?  I thought those were thinly veiled threats.


GABBY


Talk, threats, what’s the difference.


REFEREE


I believe the difference is when the use of a wood chipper comes into the conversation.


TOMMY


Wood chipper?  Oh do tell.


GaBBY


Well, she is very protective of me.  Kind of in the mafioso way.


ReFEREE


Mafioso, psychopath, they are so hard to tell apart.


GABBY


This is why I thought she would be good for derby.


REFEREE


Why because she has a willingness to do grievous harm tucked neatly right below the surface?


GABBY


Exactly.  What else would you need out of a derby girl?


MIKE


Well if your this guy I am sure he would say “all I need is love.”


REFEREE


You are such an ass.


GABBY


Ahh
, love, I gave up on love once I found beer.


REFEREE


Why is that?


GABBY


Instant gratification I guess.  Oh
crap
, but I love beer.  My whole theory is ruined.


TOMMY


We are not going to have to cut you off are we?


GABBY


I hope not, my poor heart would be broken.


REFEREE


Wow, this is getting deep in here.


GABBY


Pshaw!  Every once in a while you have to poor on the drama, as long as it is the right flavor of drama.


Joe


And what is the right kind of drama?


GABBY


Light hearted BS drama.  When you are going into the he said she said
crap
, that is the stuff that I hate and I think should be outlawed.


JOE


I guess I can agree with that.


GABBY


Well, since we are all in agreement, what do we have next on the agenda?


TOMMY


I am thinking dragons.


GABBY


Dragons are good.


REFEREE


Ok
, excellent, lets talk of dragon, or maybe dragoons.


GABBY


Brilliant suggestions.  How about dragons versus dragoons?


TOMMY


I got my money on the dragons.


ReFEREE


Depends on the training of the dragoons.


GABBY


I have my dice, lets figure this out.


They proceed to do a role playing thing about dragons versus dragoons.  Meanwhile at the other end of the bar.


ANNA


I don’t know I think they are kind of cute together.


EvI


That is beside the point, we cannot allow refs to be happy, we hate them remember?


ANNA


Well, yeah, but I thought that
wa
only during bouts.


EVI


Come now, they hate us too.


ANNA


What do you mean?


EVI


Think about it, how many times do you do something really minor and get yelled at about it?


ANNA


Well, pretty often, but most of that is my fault.


EVI


Your fault?  Why would it be your fault?


ANNA


Because I am a flake with the attention span of a goldfish.


Evi


Hey, gold fish have a pretty long attention span, they will stare at the wall for hours.


ANNA


Only if they are trying to decide if they can eat it.


EVI


Well, that is an attention span isn’t it?


ANNA


I guess, well maybe I have the attention span of a hummingbird then.


EVI


Hummingbird, well, that I can’t disagree with.


ANNA


And anyway, oh one
sec
, I have to answer this...


Anna proceeds to answer her phone and start blabbing away.


Back at the other table.


REFEREE


I’ll be damned I never thought that the dragoons would be able to pull it out.


GABBY


Well, the dice don’t lie.


REFEREE


What else do those dice know?


GABBY


Careful, the dice may know, but the answers may be loaded.


REFEREE


Or the dice are loaded,
hmmm
.


GABBY


Or one or both of us is loaded.  It really is kind of a toss up.


TOMMY


Well, come on you two, come up with a question.


GABBY


Hey, you can’t hurry these things.


MIKE


Hurrying is for beer drinking and getting speeding tickets.


GABBY


Exactly.


RefEREE


Well, lets see, I think that you would have to phrase it just right.


GABBY


Depends on what you are trying to phrase.


REFEREE


I guess it would.


GABBY


And whether or not Holly would want to stick you in a wood chipper.


MiKE


Sometimes that is a risk you have to take.


GABBY


You guys are so supportive.


TOMMY


Yep, that we are, just like Referee's jock strap or something.


GABBY


I am going to try to wash that mental image out of my mind.


REFEREE


Me too, nothing personal guys, but that image is disturbing.


TOMMY


I am already regretting saying it.


Meanwhile, the other side of the room.


Evi


So, do you remember
RollerCon
last year?


ANNA


Parts of it.


EVI


Well, that is to be expected, it was a
hella
week.


ANNA


Yeah, that week kicked my ass.


EVI


But anyway, last year, specifically the derby wedding.


ANNA


Kind of.


EVI


Remember our little ref friend over there getting derby married?


ANNA


I recall moments of that.


EVI


I wonder how she would react to finding out he already has a derby wife.


ANNA


What difference would that make, those don’t really transcend into the real world anyway.


EVI


No, they don’t, but does she know that?


ANNA


Not likely, but what difference does that make.


EVI


I am just thinking of freely tossing monkey wrenches around.


ANNA


You really are a bitch sometimes.


EVI


Just sometimes?


ANNA


Ok
, most of the time.  But that is just cruel.


EVI


Why do you think that is just cruel.


ANNA


Well, I think they are kind of cute together.


EVI


Oh, I think I just felt my stomach turn over.


ANNA


Maybe your just jealous.


EVI


Of that?
Shit
, I would break him in half.


ANNA


So, let them be happy.


EVI


Sorry, can’t do it, just not my way.


ANNA


But whatever you tell her he will just explain and it will go away and you will look like a bitch.


EVI


I am a bitch.


ANNA


That is beside the point, how are you going to make it sound at all convincing.


EVI


Timing.


ANNA


Timing?


EVI


Yeah, next week is
RollerCon
, remember, we can’t go this year because we are too broke.


ANNA


Well, yeah, so?


EVI


Well he is off at
RollerCon
then I tell her about his derby wife off at
RollerCon
, and wondering who he is going to hook up with this year.


ANNA


Oh...


EVI


She will be so mad at him she will likely quit talking to him, and he will be so busy down there behaving himself he wont realize the difference anyway.


ANNA


You are so bad.


EVI


So what are you going to do when he comes back.


ANNA


I am hoping that by then she will be so mad at him it will be all over.


EVI


And what if that fails?


ANNA


Well, at least I got to have my fun in the meantime.



Drive home


REFEREE


So Yeah, I am flying out to Vegas for
RollerCon
on Monday.


GABBY


When are you going to be back?


REFEREE


The following Monday.


GABBY


A whole week in Vegas?


REFEREE


Yeah, but I am going to be up to my eyeballs in bouts, classes, and just basically derby
geeking
it out all week.


GABBY


I don’t know if that sounds like fun or not.


REFEREE


It is really fun, there is a lot going on.  When I go I generally don’t get to spend a lot of time doing the Vegas thing, but then again, that is not my thing anyway.


GABBY


Going out and waking up with other people’s underwear?


REFEREE


Yeah, not my idea of fun.


GABBY


Maybe you were just in the vicinity of the wrong peoples underwear.


REFEREE


Maybe.


GABBY


I hope you aren’t planning on waking up in anyone else’s underwear this year.


REFEREE


Nope, I am planning on refereeing three challenge bouts, and being an
NSO
in a fourth bout.  Taking a few classes, and then watching a bunch of bouts and maybe getting in on some of the scrimmages.


GABBY


That sounds like fun.


REFEREE


It is fun, but tiring.  And it is always so hot.


GABBY


But it is a dry heat!


REFEREE


Dry heat or no, it is too hot for vigorous physical exercise.


GABBY


Yeah, you may have a point there.


The Referee and Gabby make it to home.  He walks her up the walkway.


REFEREE


So I hope you had a good time tonight.


GABBY


I did.


REFEREE


And I think you even survived meeting my friends.


GABBY


They were funny, I liked them.


REFEREE


Cool.  Well,
um
.


GABBY


Well, today is Saturday, I imagine that tomorrow you are going to spend the whole day packing right?


REFEREE


Pretty much.


GABBY


So I guess this is the last chance I will get to see you before you leave.


REFEREE


Yeah.  I suppose so.


GABBY


Do you want to come in for a drink?


REFEREE


Holly is not going to be waiting for me with a wood chipper is she?


GABBY


No, you will be fine.


REFEREE


OK, sure.  That sounds good.


Referee follows Gabby inside, she locks the door behind her.



Leaving on an airplane


GabBY


I guess I will see you in a week.


REFEREE


I will be back, fear not.


GABBY


Well, don’t do anything stupid like falling on your wrist well you are out there.


REFEREE


I will try to avoid the temptation.  I am going to spend the majority of my time either refereeing or sleeping.  So I should not get in too much trouble.


GABBY


OK, well, I guess I will see you later.


REFEREE


I will see you in a week.


GABBY


Love you.


REFEREE


L-,
um
, love you.


GABBY


Good enough.


She gives him a hug and a good bye kiss and he walks off to go through security to get on the plane.



A chat


Holly


So, you like him huh.


GaBBY


Yeah, I do.


HOLLY


What ever happened to the not liking the stripes thing?


GABBY


Well I guess they just kind of grow on you.


HOLLY


Grow on you?


GABBY


Yeah, and he is a nice guy.


HOLLY


A nice guy who is now roaming around Las Vegas without you.


GABBY


Well, there is that, but I am sure he will behave himself.


HOLLY


Why do you think that?


GABBY


Well the first thing is that it sounds like he is going to be busy the whole week he is there.


HOLLY


Even when you are busy you still find time to go out and raise hell.


GABBY


He said something about a ten thirty zebra huddle every morning, that would slow down some of the crazy that is Vegas.


HOLLY


Ten thirty, that is not bad.


GABBY


Ten thirty and an hour on the shuttle to get there, plus making sure all of your stuff is squared away to go, I guess ten thirty means getting up at eight.


HOLLY


Well, that is a little better.


GABBY


And your expected to be coherent.


HOLLY


Ok
, that just sounds painful, why is he doing this?


GABBY


I guess its great experience.


HOLLY


Wow, I would certainly hope so.


GABBY


That and he has another reason to behave.


HOLLY


Oh, and what is that?


GABBY


He still thinks you have a wood chipper in the garage.


HOLLY


Oh yeah, I had almost forgotten about that.


Holly and Gabby bust out laughing about the wood chipper joke.



Last practice before bout


Head Ref


Hey everyone, guess what.  It looks like we are going to start the season off a little quicker than we had planned.


AnnA


What?  New season?


HEAD REF


Yes, new season.  Our good friends over at Random City
Rollergirls
ended up with an open date and asked us if we wanted to come and rematch.


EvI


Oh, so we are going to go get our butts kicked again?


HEAD REF


Well, maybe, but maybe not.  I think we could beat them if we put our minds too it.


Beth


You realize which team your
reffing
for.


HEAD REF


That had come to mind, but I think it will be good.  Apparently they had one of there players come down with a nine month injury.


Gabby


Whats
a nine month injury?


Cathy


Pregnant.


GABBY


Ohhh
.


HEAD REF


She is going to bench coach I guess, which is good.  But I want to see us at our best and maybe we can do better than last time.


EVI


Better than last time, you mean not down in flames then.


HEAD REF


Yes, not going down in flames would be nice.


BETH


Wow, your really asking a lot.


HEAD REF


Can’t we just at least try?


GABBY


I’ll try.


HEAD REF


Well, at least the
newbies
are with me.


EVI


So, when is this next bout?


HEAD REF


This coming Saturday.


EVI


That is just one week!


HEAD REF


Yeah I know, short notice, but I think we can do it.


EVI


And you really think we are not going to get our butts handed too us?


HEAD REF


It is a possibility, but I think that maybe we can step up.  Perhaps even have a game plan.


GabbY


Why not scrimmage this last practice, see what we can do before then.


HEAD REF


That is the plan.  Of course with Referee gone and just me here I am going to be
reffing
this scrimmage by my lonesome, but luckily he will be back in time.


Evi (slyly)


We will see about that.


HEAD REF


I have been trying to get a hold of him.  He is always on board.


GABBY


I say we do it.


Evi


Yeah, why not.


ANNA


I think that cute guy is still living there.


Beth


I’m in, lets do it.


EVERYONE ELSE


Yeah, lets go!


HEAD REF


Ok
, were in.  Lets get this practice going then!


Practice starts up, things are going well, Evi and Gabby line up to jam against each other.


Evi


So how is referee doing in Vegas?


GABBY


Good, I imagine, we have not really had a chance to talk to each other.


EVI


I wonder if he hooked back up with is derby wife.


First whistle blows, pack takes off.


GABBY


Huh?  Derby wife?


EVI


He didn’t tell you about that?


GABBY


Um
no...


Two whistles blow to start the jammers, Evi takes off, Gabby is standing there.


HOLLY


What are you doing Gabby?  Go!


GABBY


Oh,
shit
...


Gabby skates off but gets completely shut down by the pack.


Back on the bench.


HOLLY


What the hell was that?


GABBY


Evi told me something I didn’t know about Referee.


HOLLY


What?


GABBY


That he has a wife at
RollerCon
.


HOLLY


A what?


GABBY


Something about a derby wife.


HOLLY


What the hell is that?


GABBY


I don’t know, but I am going to find out.


HOLLY


Is it time for me to be warming up the wood chipper?


GABBY


I don’t know.  I suppose it depends on what he says.


HOLLY


I hope your not just going to let him weasel out of this.


GABBY


Oh, I am not.


Post practice bar stop.  Holly and Gabby are sitting at one table, Evi and Anna are with some of the other vets at another.


HOLLY


So he never mentioned any of this before?


GABBY


No, nothing.


HOLLY


So, he is either ashamed, or keeping at a secret.


GABBY


Figured I would never find out.


HOLLY


What a bastard.


GABBY


Yeah, this is a
shitty
move.


Meanwhile at the other table.


Evi


So, what the hell are you talking about Anna?


ANNA


Its really simple, haven’t you ever heard about that thing?


EVI


Let em get this straight.  You go downstairs for a trim and they put little jewels and stuff around?


ANNA


Yeah?


EVI


Why the hell would you do that?


ANNA


To make everything pretty.


EVI


What the
fuck
for?


ANNA


I think its hot.


EVI


I think its just weird.


ANNA


Well, your weird, but my question is, what the hell do you call it?


EVI


What are my choices.


ANNA


Well, so far
Vagazzeled
and
clitorized
.


EVI


Are you
fucking
kidding me?


ANNA


No, what do you think sounds better?


EVI


So what the hell are you going to call it if you actually get a piercing?  A hood ornament?


ANNA


I suppose.


EVI


And just when I thought I was weird.


ANNA


Well it makes sense doesn’t it?


EVI


No, no it doesn’t make sense.


ANNA


So, what did you do to confuse Gabby on the line tonight?


EVI


Oh that? (
gets
evil grin) I just told her about the derby wife.


ANNA


Oh, you bitch.  That is so cold.


EVI


Would you expect any less?


ANNA


I suppose not.


EVI


I am wondering how long it will take her to figure it out.


ANNA


She is going to be
pissed
when she does.


EVI


Well, yeah, but what the hell is she going to do about it?


ANNA


Well, she is going to be mad as hell at you.


EVI


So?  I could take her.


ANNA


Yeah, I suppose you got that going for you.


At the other table.


Gabby


I just don’t understand what the hell this is all about.


HOLLY


What do you mean?


GABBY


Well, he never mentioned this which is either he was trying to keep it from me or it is something that doesn’t matter.


HOLLY


Yeah, that is what I was thinking too.


GABBY


But if it doesn’t matter why would Evi tell me at all?


HOLLY


Well, she is a bitch.


GABBY


Ok
, you have that, but still that would really be a douche bag move.


HOLLY


Which, sadly would be about par for the course.


GABBY


Of course I still can’t get referee to text me back, so I have no idea what id going on with that end.


HOLLY


Do you think he is ignoring you?


GABBY


For all I know he is in the middle of a class, or refereeing a scrimmage.  I will give him until tomorrow to respond, then I will be
pissed
.


HOLLY


That works, I will go and oil up the wood chipper just in case.


GABBY


You have to be careful who is around when you say that, there are people who will
takle
you seriously.


HOLLY


Yeah, but then at least they wont try to mess with me.


GABBY


Ok
, you got that.


HOLLY


So, what are you thinking?


GABBY


Another beer?


HOLLY


Another beer it is.  I like how you think.


The Head Referee walks over.


Head REF


Hey, you would not have happened to have heard from Referee would you?


GabBY


No, why?


HEAD REF


I have been trying to get a hold of him about the upcoming bout, but he is not answering his phone.


GABBY


That is odd.


HEAD REF


Yeah, tell me about it, usually he is really excited to actually have a bout and see how things are going.


GABBY


Yeah, I have been trying to get a hold of him too.


HEAD REF


Crazy, oh well, I guess I will have to wait until Monday.


GABBY


I guess so.


Meanwhile off in Vegas.


Another Referee


I’m sorry about the phone dude.


ReFEREE


It was a
cheapy
phone anyway, I will get a new one when I go back home.


ANOTHER REFEREE


I had no idea that they actually had a salt water pool.  If I would have known that I would not have tossed you in.


REFEREE


Its no big deal, I was due for a new phone anyway.


ANOTHER REFEREE


Ok
.  So, what do you have queued up for tomorrow?


REFEREE


I have to
NSO
the main bout at the sports center, and I also have to ref a challenge bout, luckily also at the sports center.


ANOTHER REFEREE


Oh fun, are you going to the derby wedding madness?


REFEREE


Not this year, I got suckered into it last year, but I am staying the hell away from there this year.


ANOTHER REFEREE


I am guessing there is a long story involved there.


REFEREE


Yes, yes there is.  Thankfully those weddings don’t require annulments afterwards.


ANOTHER REFEREE


True, there is a huge difference between leaving Vegas with a derby wife and leaving Vegas with a real wife.



The next day, Gabby is mad


Holly


So did you hear from Referee?


GABBY


Nope, I am thinking he is trying to hide from me now.


HOLLY


What a
shit
.


GABBY


I am really getting sick of men acting like douche bags.  I really am.


HOLLY


It gets annoying.


GABBY


You think that men would figure out after a while that we only actually need them for about a combined half an hour out of our lives so they had better be nice to us.


HOLLY


What do you mean?


GABBY


Think about it, you don’t really need to have a man around, they just make messes, and then expect you to clean them up.
Shit
, get a sperm donor and would not even have to deal with the half an hour.


HOLLY


Wow, I think you just broke the record for fastest swap from
Becky-Home-Ecky
to militant feminist.


GABBY


Oh yeah, I am going to start running around with a knife and castrating every guy I see next.


HOLLY


Now, now, there is still a chance he has a good excuse.


GABBY


Yeah, but the odds are getting lower.


HOLLY


You just want him to call don’t you?


GABBY


Yeah.  I mean he gets back on Monday, and that is only a day and a half days, but
shit
, that is a long day and a half.



Flying out of vegas


Next morning Referee is flying out of Vegas


ANOTHER REFEREE


Hey, fancy meeting you here.


ReFEREE


I see you are flying back too.


ANOTHER REFEREE


Yeah, don’t you love these red eye flights?


REFEREE


Yeah, I think I am going to try to spend the whole day sleeping when I get back.


ANOTHER REFEREE


No kidding huh.


REFEREE


Yeah, I remember last year I did not want to do anything for like a day and a half afterwards.  Did not want to talk to anyone, did not even want to move.


ANOTHER REFEREE


I hear ya there.  So how is your league going up there?


REFEREE


Ok
, I guess, there is a core that lacks dedication, but some new girls that are making it worthwhile for me to stick it out.


ANOTHER REFEREE


Oh yeah?


REFEREE


Yeah, there is hope for this next season.


ANOTHER REFEREE


When is your next bout?


REFEREE


I have no idea.  I think I will have at least another month or two to figure it out though.


ANOTHER REFEREE


Are you the only one who came down?


REFEREE


Yeah, the new girls were too new to make it this year, hopefully next year.


ANOTHER REFEREE


Yeah, same thing is going on up with my league.


REFEREE


Do you have a bout coming up?


ANOTHER REFEREE


I have no idea.  They wont tell me until it is scheduled and I have to show up.  Thankfully I have a little liberty with my schedule.


REFEREE


That is nice.  It is good to be able to take some time off now and then.


ANOTHER REFEREE


Oh yeah.


Intercom


No boarding flight 495 Las Vegas too Springfield, Now Boarding at gate
C13
.


ANOTHER REFEREE


Well, That is my flight.  I guess I will see you later.


REFEREE


Yeah, I will find you online, we can compare our frustrating notes.


ANOTHER REFEREE


Ha!  Are you coming back next year?


REFEREE


Yeah, I will be here.


ANOTHER REFEREE


Cool, maybe we will end up
reffing
a bout together then


REFEREE


Cool, til next year then!


The other ref grabs his carry on bag and heads towards the plane.



Back Home


Referee is back home, the Head Ref is picking him up at the airport.


REFEREE


Hey Head Referee, glad to see you here.


HEAD REF


So how was Vegas.


REFEREE


It was incredible.


HEAD REF


Cool, I hope you learned a lot, you don’t have long until you have to use it.


REFEREE


Huh?  Really?  When do we have a bout scheduled?


HEAD REF


Saturday.


REFEREE


No
shit
huh.


HEAD REF


Yeah, I have been trying to call you.


REFEREE


Yeah, my phone ended up in the pool at Hooters, did you know that they have a salt water pool!


HEAD REF


Ah, so in other words its dead.


REFEREE


Yep, I hope nothing too important has happened since I left.


HEAD REF


I think Gabby was trying to get a hold of you at the same time I was.


REFEREE


Oh
crap
, yeah I have to call her.


HEAD REF


Yeah, and we are
bouting
Saturday, so be ready to rock.


REFEREE


I will be.


Referee decides to drive by Gabby’s, she is not home.


REFEREE (CONT’D)


Hello.


HoLLY


She isn’t home.


REFEREE


Is she at work?


HOLLY


No, she is out and about, somewhere.


REFEREE


Oh, well, I figured I would stop by because I still have not gotten my phone back yet.


HOLLY


What happened to your phone.


REFEREE


It went swimming in a pool.


HOLLY


Oh,
shitty
.


REFEREE


Yeah, I am going to go get a new one later today, but I need to sleep first.


HOLLY


Well, I will tell her you stopped by.


REFEREE


Ok
cool.


HOLLY


Did you hear about the bout on Saturday?


REFEREE


Yeah, I think it will be cool.  How is Gabby’s wrist doing?


HOLLY


The wrist is fine now.


REFEREE


Good to ear.  Well, I will try to get a hold of her when I get my new phone up and running.


HOLLY


Ok
, later.


REFEREE


Later.


Tuesday comes, Referee is trying to talk to Gabby


Gabby


Shit
there goes the phone.


Holly


You could just answer it.


GABBY


No, I am still mad.


HOLLY


There may be a logical conclusion.  It sounds like he broke his phone when he was in Vegas.


GABBY


Yeah, I know, but I am really unsure about what to say to him anyway.


HOLLY


Just tell him what you think.


GABBY


But I am not even sure what I think.


HOLLY


You are going to have to figure it out eventually.


GABBY


I know, I know.


HOLLY


I mean if you think about it, look at who told you about this.


GABBY


Evi, yeah, what about it.


HOLLY


Has she ever done anything actually nice for any of us?


GABBY


No, not really.


HOLLY


Maybe this is another one of her being a bitch things.


GABBY


Maybe.


HOLLY


Are you going to the Ninja practice on Thursday?


GABBY


No, I don’t think so.


HOLLY


Ok
, I am going to go.  Maybe I can ask him.


GABBY


No!  I want to talk to him about it, I just have not thought of how yet.



Ninja Prcatice


ReFEREE


Well, I’m back, I learned a bunch of new things in Vegas, I hope everything went
ok
here.


HollY


We did have a practice in you absence, we just did some basic drills and endurance stuff.


REFEREE


That stuff is great to know.


HOLLY


I figured you would be happy to hear about it.


REFEREE


So, where is Gabby, is she coming?


HOLLY


No, she had something going on.


REFEREE


Oh darn, I wanted to talk to her, I have not seen her since I left.


HOLLY


Yeah, she has been being kind of shy lately.


REFEREE


Oh well, lets get this going anyway.  Today we are going to work on assists.



Friday, bout planning.


The referee shows up at Gabby’s house.


Referee


Hey, how goes it.


GABBY


Ok
I guess.


REFEREE


You have been hard to get a hold of lately.


GABBY


Yeah I have been hiding this week.


REFEREE


Ok
, well, we have that bout tomorrow, I was wondering if you two wanted to ride with me tomorrow.


GABBY


I guess that would be cool.


REFEREE


Great, so, are you doing anything tonight?  I was going to go meet up with Mike, Joe and Tommy later.


GABBY


I was just going to stay home, it is a bout tomorrow, I should get my sleep.


REFEREE


Yeah, that is a good idea.


GABBY


Ok
, well, I will see you tomorrow then.


REFEREE


Yeah, three o’clock sound good?


GABBY


Yeah, that works.


REFEREE


Ok
, I will see you then.


Back in the house.


HollY


So, did you ask him?


GABBY


No.


HOLLY


Why not?


GABBY


I just didn’t.


HOLLY


Your going to have to straighten this out eventually.


GABBY


Yeah, I know.


HOLLY


So, what did you talk about.


GABBY


We are going to ride with him tomorrow to the bout.


HOLLY


I call not-shotgun.


GABBY


Oh sure, your going to make me talk to him aren’t you.


HOLLY


Yes, yes I am.


GABBY


Fine.



The ride to the bout


ReferEE


So how are you too doing today?


HollY


Good, I am excited.


REFEREE


Me too, so how about you Gabby?


GABBY


I am good.  Looking forward to tonight I guess.


REFEREE


So, Gabby, something seems to be bothering you.


GABBY


Yes, yes there is something bothering me.


REFEREE


Well?  What is it?


GABBY


I was talking with Evi, she said something about you having a derby wife off in Vegas.


REFEREE


Really?


GABBY


Yeah, so, is it true?


REFEREE


Yeah, but that should not bother you.


GABBY


What?  Why not?


REFEREE


I take she did not tell you about what having a derby wife is all about.


GABBY


No, she didn’t.


REFEREE


Basically it is you promise to hold their hair when they puke, not to go easy on them in a bout, a bunch of other stuff.


GABBY


Well even if that is all it is why didn’t you tell me?


REFEREE


I try to ignore it, it was not my idea.


GABBY


What do you mean.


HOLLY


See, told you that you should have just asked him.


ReFEREE


Well, last year I was at
RollerCon
and I had just gotten done with a bout, I was trying to talk to the other refs and I hear my name getting called by the announcers.


HOLLY


Wholly
shit
.


REFEREE


Yeah, I skate out there and here is this girl who was with my former team and we had always been friends on her knees proposing too me in front of a thousand people on
Freemont
street.


GABBY


Damn.


REFEREE


Yeah, I could not just say no.  It would have been devastating.  But yeah, I was her derby husband, or however that works.


GABBY


So, who was she?


ReFEREE


Well, now she skates for Random City
Rollergirls
, or at least she did until she got pregnant.


GABBY


Wait a minute, she is the girl who is bench coaching tonight?


REFEREE


Yes, the same one.


GABBY


Isn’t she married, like real married?


REFEREE


Yeah, I think this is kid number three for her.


GABBY


I can’t believe that Evi made a big deal out of this, what a bitch.


REFEREE


Well, it is Evi.


GABBY


I wish I could just go up and hip check her into next week.


REFEREE


Well, you can’t do that, but I will tell you what you can do.


GABBY


Oh, do tell.



The bout


AnnOUNCER


And here we are again its the Random City
Rollergirls
tonight hosting the Darlings from Harmony Town.  The Random City girls took the last bout, but lets see what will happen here tonight.


Beth


Are we ready?


Evi


Yeah sure.


Gabby


I am ready, lets do this thing.


Anna


Has anyone seen my phone?


Gabby (to Holly)


Where did you put her phone?


Holly (to Gabby)


I gave it to Referee, he has it in his gear bag in the Zebra huddle room.


GABBY


Excellent.


The bout starts, Anna without the distraction of her phone does a good job and matches the opposing jammer.


Beth


Great job Anna.


ANNA


Have you seen my phone?


AnnOUNCER


Wow, and as
Jambumbler
calls it off that is going to be a 4-4 jam, we are all tied up going into the second jam.


Beth


Gabby, you jam, Evi
b3
, Denise pivot.  You two,
b1
,
b2
.


They skate out and get ready.  Jam whistle blows.


ANNOUNCER


And there goes the pack on jam number two, the two whistles here come your jammers. I think that the Harmony City girl was only at her first bout last year, lets see how they have been doing with training.


Gabby skates up and grabs Evi’s belt, she flings her self past Evi as she throws Evi into the opposing jammer.


AnnounCER (CONT’D)


Wow!  Did you see that!  The Random City girl is down, Gabby looks like she is flying through, she gets lead.  Look at that girl go!  This looks completely different from last year.


Gabby skates back up to the pack Evi is still holding back
Jambumbler
.  Gabby is going to fast and slows down by skating right into the back of Evi.


ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)


Ohhh
!  That looks like it may have hurt.  If that was an opponent that would have been a back block but you can run into your teammates.  And did you see that she is through and that is a Grand Slam for Gabby!


Gabby loops around again, she blasts into the back of Evi as she skates into the pack again, snakes through and calls the jam.


ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)


Oh, and as Gabby calls it off she racked up 9 points to
Jambumblers
zero!  That makes it 13-4 with 26 and a half minutes still left in this half.


Back on the bench.


Evi


Damn girl, you hit me hard.


GabBY


Well, you know I can’t run into their players or I will go to the box.  I figured you could take it.


EVI


Ok
, give me a little warning next time though.


GABBY


I will try to remember.


A couple of jams later, this time Gabby is blocking with Evi.


GabbY (CONT’D)


Evi, incoming!


Evi


Huh?


Gabby slams into Evi, knocking her right into the jammer that was trying to sneak by on the outside.


ANNOUNCER


Oh!  And a little teamwork ends up with the Jammer in a pile skidding out of bounds.


EVI


Damn girl, when did you learn how to skate like that?


GABBY


I guess I just needed some motivation.


Half time sneaks up on us.


AnnOUNCER


And at the half it is a completely different bout than the last time these two teams met.  Harmony Town is maintaining a 73 to 51 point lead.  Lets see if Random City can do something to reorganize during the half.



Half Time Locker rooms


Beth


We are looking good out there tonight, Gabby, I don’t know where you got this energy from but keep it up!


GabBY


Yeah, I just feel good about tonight.


EVI


I feel like I am going to be setting a record for the most bruises tonight.


GABBY


Yeah, well, you are earning them.


EVI


How am I earning them, usually I give bruises, not get them


GABBY


I don’t know, karma?


EVI


Maybe, I don’t know.


In the refs locker room.


HeAD REF


What the hell is Gabby doing out there?


RefEREE


Skating better than I have ever seen her skate.


HEAD REF


Well, that and she looks like she is intentionally beating the hell out of Evi.


REFEREE


Perhaps.


HEAD REF


I take it you know about this.


REFEREE


Perhaps, she is making sure that she gets her chops in only when it will be beneficial to the team though.


HEAD REF


Yeah, that she is.  I just hope that Evi doesn’t get
pissed
.


REFEREE


I think that if she does figure it out she will know that she earned it.


HEAD REF


Well, I have no doubt that she earned it, but are you sure she will see it that way?


REFEREE


No, but I am pretty sure if they win this bout it will all be forgiven.


HEAD REF


I hope so.



Second Half


AnNOUNCER


Well, we are back, I hope you enjoyed that half time entertainment.  This is turning out to be a heck of a bout lets see if our local ladies can do better in the second half as right now the Harmony Town Darlings are holding a twenty two point lead.  The head ref checks to make sure that everyone is ready and now there is the whistle and the pack starts moving.


Back on the bench, Evi and Gabby happen to be sitting next to each other.


Evi


I have been thinking.


GABBY


Yeah.


ANNOUNCER


Oh, and Random City grabs lead jammer.


EVI


I am guessing that you figured out what I was doing before, with the whole derby wife thing, didn’t you.


GABBY


Yes, and I am not very happy about it.


EVI


Thought so, well, I got an idea, how about I apologize and you promise not to kick the
crap
out of me in the second half.


GABBY


I suppose I can do that.


EVI


Ok
, I am sorry, I guess I was being a bitch.


GABBY


I will accept that.  Thanks for admitting it.


AnnOUNCER


And the Random city girl gets through the pack and calls the jam, the score now stands at 73-55.


Evi


Well, it looks like we are up, lets make something happen out there.


They line up, Anna is the jammer but she gets sent to the box for a major penalty.


ANNOUNCER


Oh, and it looks like Anna is going to the box for a major, ref is saying back block.  Random City is on a power jam!


In the pack.


GABBY


Evi, outside.


Evi


Got her.


Evi turns and lays the jammer out with a vicious booby block.


ANNOUNCER


Oh, and that is a way to stop a jammer cold.  That looks vicious but properly pulled off completely legal!


EVI


Gabby, Inside.


Gabby


On it!


Gabby leans in and pushes the jammer out of bounds on the inside.  While she is standing there making sure that the skater can’t just skate back in one of the Random City girls skates back and plants a shoulder in the chest.


ReFEREE (blows whistle)


Red 42!  Major Counter Clockwise Block!


Annoncer


And it looks like one of the Harmony Town girls is down and that is Slid Viscous from Random City going to the box.  Oh, it looks like the Harmony Town girl is tapping out, lets hope she is OK.


REFEREE (Blows four fast whistles, the other refs mirros)


Are you
ok
?


GabBY


I got the wind knocked out of me.


Evi


Take a knee!


ANNOUNCER


It has long been a tradition that when ever one of the roller girls is injured all of the girls will take a knee for their fallen comrade.


ReferEE


Do you think you can stand?


GaBBY


In a second, oh, wow,
ok
, I can.


Gabby gets up with the help of the referee, Evi and the referee skate her over to the bench.


AnNOUNCER


Lets give her a big round of applause!  It looks from here that she got her clock cleaned on that one, lets hope that she is
ok
.


Back at the bench.


Medic


How are you doing?


GABBY


I am
ok
, just got the wind knocked out of me.


Evi


Are you going to be
ok
for later?


GABBY


I think so, but I need to sit down for a while though.


EVI


OK, I will do my best to keep things together out there.


Medic


OK, have a drink, you seem to be doing just fine, you didn’t hit your head or anything?


GABBY


No, just got the wind knocked out of me?


MedIC


No sharp pains or anything?


Gabby


No, I think I will be fine.


Almost to the end of the bout.


AnNOUNCER


And with the time running down this looks like it will be the last jam of the evening.  The Random City girls just finished up an incredible power jam but now both teams are coming back at full strength for this one.  And with the update of the score it looks like Random City has the first lead of the night, now up 135-132!


Back at the bench.


Evi


Ok
, we need to pull all of the stops out for this one.


GabBY


I am ready.


EVI


Huh?


GABBY


I can jam.


Beth


You think you can do it?


GABBY


I just need to get four and call.  I can do that.


BETH


Ok
, lets do this thing.


The girls all go to the line, the jam starts and the opposing jammer is just over Gabby’s right shoulder.


GABBY


Evi, whip inside.


Evi


Got it!


Gabby takes the whip off of Evi which causes Evi to slow down and roll right in front of the opposing jammer.


ANNOUNCER


Oh wow!  Two for one on that one.  The Harmony city jammer just took a whip and got her teammate to take out the opposing jammer for her!


Gabby rips through the rest of the pack, comes back around, gets through again and calls it.  The opposing jammer is still on the back straight away!


AnnOUNCER (CONT’D)


Oh and with that jam Harmony town takes a 136-135 lead and the bout is over!  Wow, what a finish!  Looks like the Harmony city girls are rushing the floor!


The girls are skate out and huddle around Gabby.


Beth


We did it!


Evi


Fucking awesome!  Lets drink!


GabbY


One thing first.


Gabby looks around and finds the Referee, plants a huge kiss on the lips.


The End