Friday, September 25, 2015

An Ohioan's Guide to Minnesota Etiquette

Guide to Etiquette in Minnesota vs Ohio

Situation: Someone offers you a cookie.
Ohio: Say "Thank you" and accept the cookie if you want to.
Minnesota: Refuse the cookie three times. Then accept the cookie if you want to.

Situation: You offer someone a cookie and they refuse
Ohio: Say "Alright." Maybe tell them that they are still welcome to it if they change their mind.
Minnesota: Insist that they take the cookie? Maybe? I am not clear on this. If they are required to refuse three times are you required to offer three times?

Situation: There is only one more cookie
Ohio: Ask if anyone wants the cookie. If no one speaks up or everyone says no then you can take the cookie.
Minnesota: No one gets to eat that cookie. Throw the cookie away at the end of the night after it has become stale. Alternatively cut the cookie into smaller and smaller bites infinitely until you have discovered a way to divide the atoms evenly but maybe that isn't fair? Calculate the atomic mass of the cookie. Hire a consulting firm. Split the atoms. But still no one can have the last one.

Situation: You have a problem with someone.
Ohio: Confront that person. Explain to them what you are feeling and why. Attempt to resolve the problem as peacefully as possible.
Minnesota: Act like everything is fine. Smile at them. Complain to everyone else about them. Exclude them from social gatherings.

Situations: You are leaving a friend's house
Ohio: Say goodnight, gather your things, hug everyone, then leave.
Minnesota: Plan ahead because there is another hour of talking left as you creep slowly towards the door.

I am sure there are more Minnesota social norms that I have not yet begun to comprehend. If anyone has any to add let me know.

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