Monday, December 7, 2015

Goals and Projects


Since I have finished my Master’s degree I feel like I have been lacking in goals and direction. I also have not had any major projects to occupy my time which I think is part of what makes my depression really bad right now. When I was working towards my degree there was always something to be working on: data analysis, writing, research. Right now my entire set of job responsibilities is made up of data entry. Not analysis. I don’t get to play with numbers. It isn’t even my data so I have no attachment to it. It gets fairly soul numbing after a while. I have nothing to do that challenges me or makes me think. The nice thing about being done with my degree is that I can work for a set amount of time and then just go home and do whatever I want.

The problem right now is that I am not sure what sort of project I want to do on my own time. I am not artistically inclined. Writing can be nice but anything that involves more visual forms of art is less interesting to me. For a while I was doing a lot of volunteering at places like the zoo and Hartley Park in various education capacities. Right now I just want less people time in my life so that is not very appealing. That also applies to coaching roller derby. I am just tired of dealing with trying to gauge myself in social situations. Interacting with people, even people I like, is exhausting. I over analyze everything and often make a mess of things. But right now being alone is also bad so that makes me interact with people in ways I regret a lot the next day which makes me feel worse about myself which makes me…. You get the picture. So I need to figure out what I need to do for me.


Goals are important. I can think of some goals.

Short term goals:
Get my house clean and throw myself a house warming party
I want to feel ownership over my space again. For 2 years I have been sharing everything with someone else. For various reasons my house is a disaster now. When I look at it I get really depressed. Too depressed to do things like actually clean it which unsurprisingly just makes me feel worse.  Thankfully I have amazing friends and one of my friends is going to come to my house tonight and help me clean. And having a bunch of my friends over for the party after will be a great reward.
Get rid of a bunch of extra crap
I have way too much stuff. This goes with my previous “get my house clean” point. I will figure out which things need to be thrown out (read: my clothes with too many holes) and which things I can bring to Goodwill. There *might* be a couple things that will be nice enough to try to sell but that seems like a lot of work. I want my life to be simplified. Part of the reason my previous relationship ended was because I was tired of being caught in his cycle of getting bigger, better, shinier things. Some things are necessities but really most things are just clutter and distraction.

Long term goals:
Get full time hired at NRRI:
Right now I am on a year contract. I need to spend this year making myself more marketable so that when my contract expires and a job actually gets advertised for competition (permanent positions for the university need to be competed so that anyone who wants to apply can, they cannot just hire people without advertising) I will actually be competitive. I just also hope that I can get myself involved in more mentally demanding work soon.
I don’t know what else. Traditionally I get the itch to move somewhere drastic every 3-5 years. I am definitely open to the possibility that I might end up somewhere else at some point. I do want to be as marketable as I can when that happens. I do also like working here though so I will hold onto this as much as I can.



So those are my goals. And it is good to have goals. But I also feeling the need for something to create or learn or do. A hobby I guess. Something I can do for me. I am learning to cook to some extent and that is good. Cooking just for yourself isn’t as fun as it could be though. Especially when everything you are cooking is portioned to be for 2 people. It just feels sort of lonely. 

I could take a class. Learning something new always helps. I just checked Coursera and they have a Calculus 1 sort of class that starts today. I took Calculus as an undergraduate but I forgot most of it somewhere along the way. Also I love doing math problems. In junior high I would do extra math problems for fun… telling people that isn’t a great way to make friends. Alright so I have a project and I have a few goals that are attainable in the next few weeks. I got this.


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