Since I have finished my Master’s degree I feel like I have been lacking in goals and direction. I also have not had any major projects to occupy my time which I think is part of what makes my depression really bad right now. When I was working towards my degree there was always something to be working on: data analysis, writing, research. Right now my entire set of job responsibilities is made up of data entry. Not analysis. I don’t get to play with numbers. It isn’t even my data so I have no attachment to it. It gets fairly soul numbing after a while. I have nothing to do that challenges me or makes me think. The nice thing about being done with my degree is that I can work for a set amount of time and then just go home and do whatever I want.
The problem right now is that I am not sure what sort of project I want to do on my own time. I am not artistically inclined. Writing can be nice but anything that involves more visual forms of art is less interesting to me. For a while I was doing a lot of volunteering at places like the zoo and Hartley Park in various education capacities. Right now I just want less people time in my life so that is not very appealing. That also applies to coaching roller derby. I am just tired of dealing with trying to gauge myself in social situations. Interacting with people, even people I like, is exhausting. I over analyze everything and often make a mess of things. But right now being alone is also bad so that makes me interact with people in ways I regret a lot the next day which makes me feel worse about myself which makes me…. You get the picture. So I need to figure out what I need to do for me.
Short term goals:
Get my house clean and throw myself a house warming party
I want to feel ownership over my space again. For 2 years I have been sharing everything with someone else. For various reasons my house is a disaster now. When I look at it I get really depressed. Too depressed to do things like actually clean it which unsurprisingly just makes me feel worse. Thankfully I have amazing friends and one of my friends is going to come to my house tonight and help me clean. And having a bunch of my friends over for the party after will be a great reward.
I have way too much stuff. This goes with my previous “get my house clean” point. I will figure out which things need to be thrown out (read: my clothes with too many holes) and which things I can bring to Goodwill. There *might* be a couple things that will be nice enough to try to sell but that seems like a lot of work. I want my life to be simplified. Part of the reason my previous relationship ended was because I was tired of being caught in his cycle of getting bigger, better, shinier things. Some things are necessities but really most things are just clutter and distraction.
Long term goals:
Get full time hired at NRRI:
Right now I am on a year contract. I need to spend this year making myself more marketable so that when my contract expires and a job actually gets advertised for competition (permanent positions for the university need to be competed so that anyone who wants to apply can, they cannot just hire people without advertising) I will actually be competitive. I just also hope that I can get myself involved in more mentally demanding work soon.