Sunday, December 6, 2015

Life, getting used to a new city.

Several months ago I moved to the west coast. I have spent the past few years perpetually moving all around the country in a semi, never staying in one spot for more than a few hours, maybe days at the most. I had grown used to never seeing the same face for weeks, months at a time, with the familiar knowledge that eventually, I'd get to return to see faces I knew and had grrown to love like neighbors, old friends, and the solace of the home which I owned.

I also spent 5  months being entirely homeless in this transition from the midwest to the west coast.  I made preperation, mental, financial, physical, getting ready for the transition. I began to reduce my caloric intake and loading on carbs. I prolonged leaving Facebook because I needed social interaction.

Like everyone, I suffer from some pattern of depression, so I also prepared for that.

Despite all of my preparation, and anticipating all of the troubles I would have, it was still one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

For my first month of local work, I would sleep in empty semi trailers at work where the nightly temprature would drop to freezing. I would eat meals of one or two "dollar burriotos' per day.  I'd masturbate when I began thinking about suicidal thoughts because masturbation helps the body and brain create all those 'feel good drugs' we need to combat depression.

Now, two months into working, and over a month into my temporary home, I'm beginning to attempt to date, which is a whole new challenge upon itself.

Relating to strangers has never been one of my strongest suits. Nearly all of my friends have been a collection of electic "loners", black sheep, and exceedingly intelligent folk who accept me for my various personaity quirks.

Trying to find someone with similar quirks has been proven impossible so far, but only for a lack of supporting evidence.

For most of my adult life, (since about 20 years old) I have been a serial dater. I've had several very good relationships as well as several very bad relationships. More often than not, I've deduced the common flaw is with myself and not with other people. I'm very picky in what I'd like from a partner.

They seem like things that should be a 'given' in most monogamous relationships end up being entirely too much to ask.  Basic things like 'honesty', 'patience', 'loyalty', and 'intelligence', seem to come sporadically, if at all. Instead, I've gone an entirely different route and found 'friends with benefits' to subside my sexual needs and wants, and 'just friends', to satisfy my emotional and intellectual needs. It's always lacked the passion in both types of relationship.

Part of the goal of moving to the west coast was to find substantial work, first in driving, second in computers, but it has also changed my goals from finding two sets of emotional partners to finding just one committed relationship.

So far, I've found equal disappointment in both finding a suitable job, and a suitable mate, driving me further into a depression. Of course, I have all the free porn at my fingertips that an adult male could ever want, but that's not what I crave, nor do I crave sexual interaction, or emotional interaction, at least by themselves.

I moved here with the intent on finding higher meaning. That doesn't mean that I'm simply looking to get high, either, altho, it's an admittedly nice point of the west coast.

I know this is somewhat a shit-post...  I don't have much else to write about while working 60 hour weeks, commuting 4 hours each day to work, so I have little time to experience anything else.

My job involves delivering carpet to local distribution outlets and contractors. It regularly involves driving in extra tight areas for a forty-eight foot semi trailer. It also involves driving on the I-5, mostly in gridlock traffic. It takes about 3 hours to travel 30 miles. I drive to a specific area, unload 25,000 pounds of carpet and tile, turn around, and drive back into the gridlock for 3 more hours. It's a job...

My roommates are foreign exchange students, and diligent at that. They barely leave their rooms, noses stuffed into books to maintain their 4.0 GPA, to make their parents proud and justify making already poor people completely broke.  What little interaction I have with them, I ask them to teach me obscene phrases.

Because. It's funny.

6 comments:

  1. "More often than not, I've deduced the common flaw is with myself and not with other people."

    I wish more people realized that. I forget it sometimes too and complain about the fact that my relationships all follow a really predictable pattern. I can blame whoever I want but who is the common denominator there? Figuring out how to make the changes so that you don't fall into the same pattern over and over again is the hard part.

    I am pretty sure shitposting is acceptable. Otherwise I would have been kicked off the blog by now...

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    1. Sexually deviant puns aside, I'm always hard on myself and others. I am far too critical. (Obviously.)

      I'd like to be more. More forgiving, more forgetting, more "move on and up, into bigger and better". At the same time, I want to love and cherish the person who I know I am.
      "Why don't you just go by 'Mike'?"
      "Why should I have to change? He is the one who sucks!" - Office Space

      I would say "I'm waiting for the right person", but I'm actually not doing either. "waiting" for the "right" person.

      I'm actively searching for any person in hope that they are the right person.

      I shrug off the adage "it'll happen when you stop looking.", which is complete nonsense. If I stop looking, it'll mean that will pass by the right one BECAUSE I STOPPED LOOKING.

      I don't currently have a "pattern". I meet someone who appears to be completely normal for about 6-10 weeks, they pull off the mask, let 25 cats out of the closet, do something insane like hauling my clothes out onto the lawn and setting it on fire over a simple dispute like "religion".

      I swear that I'd be homosexual except that men are still men no matter which gender that they prefer, and most guys won't take a simple "No" for an answer.

      You gotta have a whole list of reasons. I'm not immune to this, either. I'd like to know my faults before anyone else.

      But... Yeah, I know that I'm neither hideous nor a righteous score. I have my high points and my faults. I also have my ups and downs.

      It simply seems like I've had 6 months worth of downs, and it's taken its toll. It's healthy to say "maybe I shouldn't date", but the solitude is what's driving me into this depression. I'm trying to catch it before I implode.

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    2. I can certainly not judge you for wanting to be in a relationship. I am a famous serial monogamist. In the past 7 I think years I have been in 3 relationships and was single for oh... 2 weeks if you are really generous with technicalities.

      As far as love coming to you when you stop looking... I have mixed feelings about the sentiment. You definitely still have to put yourself out there or you will never have opportunities to meet anyone. You also have to be paying attention. I think the phrase makes a lot of sense for the kind of person that becomes super desperate and pursues people in ways that are inappropriate and comes on too strong. When you just focus on you and do things you want to do for their own sake you are much more attractive to the kind of people who like the kinds of things you do.

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    3. It's certainly a double-edged sword...

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    1. Kind of figured. You do it often enough :P

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