Sunday, July 7, 2013

Cafe Meth (short screen play)

Cafe Meth




<Interior Day meeting room>

Two guys sitting in a meeting, grumbling as a third guy explains benefits

Benefits Guy

It is really simple, you have a one thousand dollar deductible.

Guy One

Thousand dollars? What the fuck?

Benefits guy

You are responsible for the first five hundred dollars, then your employer will pick up the second five hundred.

Guy two

Thats a little Better....

Benefits Guy

But this is where the fun begins!

Guy One

Fun as a colonoscopy

Guy Two

Oh wait, this could be just what the doctor overcharged you for.

Guy One

Ha ha (dryly)

Benefits Guy

You see you can take money out of every check for health expenses, which all comes out pretax.

Guy One

So we make less money....

Benefits guy

So then you don't get charged taxes on this money, so you get to keep more of it.

Guy Two

See, its getting better

Benefits Guy

And you see, if you take the money out that you are going to spend anyway.

Guy One

So, now we have to know if we are going to be sick ahead of time.

Benefits guy

But the nice thing is that you don't pay taxes on this money, but it is not just for if you go to the doctor.

Guy Two

See, gets better

Benefits guy

You get to use your receipts for all kinds of things like your annual physical, going to the dentist, pap smears, and also for over the counter medications, like cold medicine.

Guy One

Oh, goody, I can buy Robitussin and get a Pap smear

Guy Two

Well, you can get drunk and all fucked up on Robitussin

Guy One

Yeah, just how I want to spend my summer.

The two of them get the handouts and go back to work.

<Interior Day cube farm>

Guy one gets an instant message “think I have an idea”

Beep

I think I have a great idea

Typing

Well, that would be a first

Beep

Ha ha, no, really, hear me out

Typing

Ok shoot

Beep

So we have this health plan, I say we look at this closely

If we take out a bit more than we actually need to

Then we can take the money and buy meds at the drug store

Certain meds we can make into something else

Typing

What are you getting at?

Beep

We go to the store

We buy Sudaphed and what not,

We turn in the receipt, get our money back,

Take the Sudaphed and make meth!

Typing

Are you fucking nuts?

Beep

No, really, we don't have to use it, sell it, get our money back, buy booze

Typing

I am starting to warm up to the drinking Robitussin idea

Beep

Oh, your no fun, think about it

Typing

Yeah, whatever

Beep

You going to the bar after work?

Typing

Yeah, why not

Beep

Ok, see you there, it is better than Robitussin afterall

Typing

Ok, see you there

<Interior Evening, bar>

after work, goes to the bar, hatches the idea.

Guy One

Hey, how is it going, getting any other crazy ideas

Guy Two

Nope, still thinking about the same one

Guy One

Oh great

Guy Two

Its not that bad once you get into it

Guy One

There is no way your going to be able to sugarcoat this into becoming a good idea

Guy Two

No, but I could beat you over the head with it until you give in and go along with it.

Guy One

Oh, great, if I didn't live with you, and have to get a ride from you I would so be leaving right now.

Guy One

Goody, a captive audience.

They get drinks and go to table

Guy Two

Ok, you see what we do is we go to the drug store and we buy all of this crap with ephedrine and whatnot in it, all of which we can get our money back from through the health plan at work.

Guy One

You do know that you are insane.

Guy Two

I know, but despite that, we can take the money out of our checks ahead of time, and it comes out pre-tax, so we can lower what income we report down until we qualify for these tax things like Earned Income Credit, and what not, but then we will be taking all of this money out of our checks, right, and we would need something to spend it one.

Guy One

So you want to spend that money on Sudaphed.

Guy Two

Yeah, and we take the Sudaphed, turn it into meth, sell the meth, and get our money back.

Guy One

You know you are insane, do you know your stupid too?

Guy Two

No, listen, we will triple, hell even quadruple our money.


Guy One

Ok, quadruple, go on.

Guy Two

Yeah, apparently this meth shit is bug business, we could take the Sudaphed, break it down, boil it out or whatever the fuck and make it into meth. We take the meth sell it into some trusted dirt bags in town, they sell it to everyone else, we collect the benefits!

Guy One

Ok, so, do you even know how to make meth?

Guy Two

Well, know, but we have the Internet for a reason don't we? Fuck I will look it up on there.

Guy One

You are aware that we only have the Internet at work, aren't you worried about them catching on?

Guy Two

Oh hell know, you know are employers as well as I do, they are all morons.

Guy One

Yes, they are morons, but they are able to figure things out occasionally.

Guy Two

Oh come on, it took them like six months to catch the guy who spent all day downloading child porn on the main server, we even told them and they were unable to figure it out. This will be quick, one afternoon and I will have all of the information I need, I think.

The two guys go over the details while the camera fades

<Interior Day office>

Benefits guy

So, you really want to take out a hundred dollars a check, thats a lot of money

Guy One

Yeah, there are a lot of health things I should go in for this year (coughs)

Break...

<Interior Day office>

Benefit Guy

Wow, you are the second guy today who wants to take out a hundred dollars a check, wow, weird

Guy Two

You wouldn't think that would be that strange, would you?

Benefits Guy

It wouldn't be, but neither of you really look like you would be needing that much money for health stuff.

Guy Two

Well, I think it would be better to be safe than sorry

Cut scene////////

Speed scenes, going to the store, buying ephedrine, sudaphed, whatever else, checking out, turning in receipts at work, getting refund check, do over.... do a couple of times with each guy.

Setting up the lab

<Interior night house>

Guy One and Guy Two sitting in a room at a table with a pile of hoses, flasks, bottles, heaters, etc.

Guy One

Ok, so how do we build this thing

Guy Two

I am not sure, didn't you take Chemistry

Guy One

Yeah, I copied off my desk mates papers, that is the only way I passed

Guy Two

Oh shit, well, I have pictures, lets see what we can do.

Guy One

You know that a lot of this shit looks explosive

Guy Two

Yeah, thats why we have to be careful

Cut Scene

Now the two of them are looking at a little pile of stuff that they are scraping into a bag

Guy One

Ok, so now what do we do with this shit

Guy Two

Well, we sell it to this guy who I met at the bar, he sells it to other people, and we collect the benefits

Guy One

Well, how do we get a hold of this guy.

Guy Two

Well, he wrote his number on a matchbook from the strip club.

Guy One

You have no idea how much more confident this is making me feel. Here we are with a whole bag of illicit substances, and we are going to go meet some dirt bag that you met at the strip club and wrote his number down on a matchbook for you. Yeah, this is making me feel really confident.

Guy Two

Thats beside the point, just think of the money, think about not having to spend the summer drinking Robitussin....

Guy One

Ok, money, money, going to jail, money, its not working, I think we could have just skipped this whole thing and spent all of that money on other things like Mad Dog 20/20, Night Train, Hell, Boone's Farm.

Guy Two

Oh, come on, I will deal with this part, we will go in, you can go and hide for a while. Here I will call him and let him know that we are ready for him. And with that last list I think I would rather spend the year drinking Robitussin.

Guy Two, on phone

Hey, This is Guy Two, You gave me your number the other night at the Gentleman's club. Yeah, you know that stuff we were talking about, I got the first batch all put together. You want to meet? Yeah, ok, I will meet you there. Cool, I will see you in a little bit. (pause) Ok, you want to meet my partner too, ok, no problem, I will bring him with.

Guy One

Your going to go meet this guy?

Guy Two

Yeah, don't worry about it. I did tell you that he wants to meet you too, didn't I?

Guy One

Yeah, great, you know I wanted to skip this entire part. But I suppose this is only our future ability to not be completely broke all summer we are talking about, I should come with anyway, why the hell does he want to meet me.

Guy Two

Well, tweakers, I think they are a little paranoid, or something like that. Well, tell you what, I will go in and get a table, you just hang out at the bar until I wave you over, then he can meet both of us and not freak out, because that would be bad, or something

Guy One

I cannot believe that you talked me into this.

Guy One

Hell, what are friends for?

They head to the club

<Interior Night, strip club>

Guy Two, sitting at table

Hey, hows it going

Nick

Good, you got the stuff.

Guy Two

Yeah, I have it out in the car, I have to introduce you to my roommate, he is the other part of this thing after all, here, I will bring him over.

Nick

Yeah, you should bring him over, I like to be able to look all of the people I am working with in the eyes, that way I know that I can trust them.

Guy Two

Either get to know them or intimidate them into not fucking around, either way it works.

Nick (semi clueless)

Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.

Guy Two

Yeah, he is a cool guy, I have known him for a long time, here, I will bring him over.

Nick

Yeah, I would rather know who all I am dealing with. I always feel better if I know all of the faces involved before I get involved in anything.

Guy Two

Ok, cool, well Here he comes.

Guy One

Hey, hows it going.

Guy Two

Hey Guy One, this is...

Nick

Um, just call me Tony (not his real name).

Guy One

Ok, Tony, nice to meet you.

Nick

Yeah, nice to meet you too.

Guy Two

So, Yeah, Tony, I got your package, its out in the car.

Nick

Ok, Coolio, um, do you want to go take a little walk then?

Guy Two

Yeah, no problem.

Guy Two and Nick walk out side

<Interior Night strip club>

Guy One

I cannot believe I am doing this.
I cannot believe I am doing this.
I cannot believe I am doing this.....

Waitress

What, first time in a titty bar?

Guy One

Oh, um, um, no, not for me, no, not that...

Waitress

Oh, come on, don't be shy, come on, I will show you how it is done.

Waitress leads Guy one (who follows reluctantly) up to the rail , waitress gets a dollar out of him and shows him how to balance it on the rail.

Guy One

Yeah, thanks for that.

Waitress

Oh yeah, you will really be thanking me in just a second here.

Guy One

Oh, I am sure I will.

Waitress walks away as guy one gets attacked by a monstrous stripper's breasts.

Waitress (aside)

Its all a matter of timing.

Guy one stumbles back to the table just as the other two return from the parking lot.

Guy One

Have a nice walk?

Guy Two

Yeah, need a drink?

Guy One

More than you would believe.

Nick

Yeah I could use one too.

Guy Two, ok, what you want?

Nick

Jameson Coke

Monstrous Stripper

Hey, mind if I join you guys? You getting drinks? I will take a Vodka RedBull if you are, it will be a bit before I am up again.

Nick

Hi, My name is Nick

Stripper

Hi, I'm Monstrous Stripper, nice to meet you.

Nick.

You like to party?

Monstrous Stripper

Yeah, why? Do you know of any?

Cut Scene

<Interior Night house>

Guy Two

Holy shit, you want more? Hell, give me some time, I will get you more, give me some time.
Hey (Guy One) we have to go to the pharmacy, you ready to run?

Guy One

Huh, its like two AM

Guy Two

Yep, business calls, lets go!

Guy One

This fucking sucks.

Guy Two

Just think of the money man, just think of not having to drink Robitussin.

Speed scenes, going to the store, buying ephedrine, sudaphed, whatever else, checking out, turning in receipts at work, getting refund check, do over.... do a couple of times with each guy.

Back to the lab.

<Interior Night house>

Guy One

I cannot believe that we are running this thing right out of the fucking house.

Guy Two

Well, where did you think we were going to run the thing, shit, hand me that flask.

Guy One

You know I thought when we first started living together that we were going to make it simple and when you asked me for the flask it was going to be full of whiskey or something, not ether.

Guy Two

Hey, I didn't think that we ever actually took ether off the table.

Guy One

(laughing) Oh, yeah, well, not in that form anyway, but dammit, this is different.

Guy Two

Well, when in Rome....

Guy One

I don't think they ever made meth in Rome

Guy Two

Hell, if they did, maybe it wouldn't have been the lions that were always winning against all of those Christians.

Both laugh

Cut Scene

<Exterior Night strip club>

Guy One and Guy Two walking across the strip club parking lot, there is a car rocking in the lot.

Guy One

Hmmm, this hard to believe that you would run into that happening in the strip club parking lot.

Guy Two

You would think that they would take the time to go somewhere else first.

Guy One

I don't know, maybe they had some reason not to go very far

Guy Two

Who knows

As they walk by the car, a hand slides down the window clearing a patch, an eyeball peeks through the glass at them

The rocking stops as some muffled 'Oh fuck' talking takes place in the car.

Guy One

What the fuck

Guy Two

Yeah, some reason I am even more disturbed now

The car door opens and Nick and Monstrous Stripper get out of the car

Nick

Hey, guys

Nick finishes pulling pants up as Monstrous Stripper waves and closes door

Guy Two

Yeah, hey

Nick

You got the stuff

Guy Two

Yeah, I got it

Nick

Cool, hope you don't mind, I think that she should be getting back to work, I think that she is up next anyway.

Guy Two

Ok, yeah, here is this part, you got the money?

Nick

Yeah, no problem, here

Nick grabs some sweaty money out of his pants pocket

Guy Two

Thanks, talk to you later

Guy One

Yeah, talk to you later

Nick, yeah, no problem, nice doing business with you




Back at work, benefits guy walks into the cube farm

<Interior Day cube farm>

Benefits Guy

So (Guy One), I see you have been buying a lot of Sudaphed lately....

Guy One

Yeah, I have had one of those congestion things that just wouldn't go away. (cough cough)

Benefits Guy

Yeah, I see, while I hope that clears up

Cut Scene

<Interior Day cube farm>

Benefits Guy

So, I see you have been spending a lot of money on Sudaphed lately....

Guy Two

Yeah, I have had this congestion thing, just wont seem to go away.

Benefits Guy

Have you considered quiting smoking?

Guy Two

Yeah, likes thats covered in the health plan.

Benefits Guy

Actually it is.

Guy Two

Oh, who knew.

The two guys talk about the intercept with the Benefits Guy.

<Interior Day cube farm>

Guy One

So, (Benefits Guy) came and talked to me today

Guy Two

Yeah, me to.

Guy One

So, what did he have to say to you?

Guy Two

Oh, regular shit, asking about my purchases of decongestants, all of that fun stuff.

Guy One

You don't think that he is on to us do you?

Guy Two

Fuck., it took them like six months to catch the porn guy, what the fuck?

Guy One

Maybe it is time we start to ease our way out of this mess while we still can

Cut Scene

<Interior Night house>

Guy One

You know I don't want to end up in jail.

Guy Two

Yeah, I know, me either. We are so close though, we just have a few bucks left in our health buy ahead plan to burn through and we can be done.

Guy One

Yeah, no jail, remember that.

Guy Two

Just a few more runs, that is it, then all of our planned expenses, and what they actually were will match out and we will find our way out.

Guy One

And how the fuck are we suppose to get out, how are we going to escape this circle?

Guy Two

Don't worry, I will find a way, I am most of the way there.

Guy One

You better be, I am getting sick of these midnight calls from Nick and all of that.

Slower scenes of going to the store, buying ephedrine, sudaphed, whatever else, checking out, turning in receipts at work, getting refund check, do over.... do a couple of times with each guy.

<Interior Night House>

Guy Two

Ok, this is the last batch, no more.

Guy One

It better be.

Guy Two

Don't worry, I have an out after this, I swear.

Guy One

You better, this is really starting to get annoying.

Guy Two

Not just for you, but at least we got the big screen TV.

Guy One

Yeah, thats nice, but shit, how the fuck are we going to get out of this.

Guy Two

I think I have a way.

The demand is too much....

<Interior Day cube farm>

Guy One

Ok, I can't take this anymore.

Guy Two

Yeah, me either

Guy One

What are we going to do?

Guy Two

Well, if this was a real business we would just sell it to someone who had an idea what the hell they were doing.

Guy One

Like who?

Guy Two

Like the guy we have been selling all of this stuff to.

Guy One

The guy is an idiot.

Guy Two

Well, we will explain to him how it works, and how he doesn't know us.

Guy One

And You think that he will actually be able to figure this whole thing out?

Guy Two

Hell, we did, its not that hard

Guy One

As long as that end does not end up with us in jail.

Guy Two

Wow, you are really worried about that.

Guy One

I don't know, maybe it is all of those wonderful anecdotal stories about being someones bitch that bothers me.

Guy Two

Yeah, I think that you would not do well as someone's bitch, hell I can't even get you to do the dishes.

Guy One

I don't think as a prison bitch they want you to do their dishes

Guy Two

Yeah, ok, you win, I guess there is just no way I can make the thought of being anally violated sound like an ok thing

Guy One

I never told you about my father did I?

(This is where, time permitting, we can add a humorous, exaggerated daddy getting ass-raped in prison scene, maybe just the sounds as he looks up to the right and thinks, then cringes)

Cut Scene

<Interior Night house>

Guy One

Ok, thats it, we need to get the hell out of this, we have taken this too far. There has to be something that we can do to get out of this.

Guy Two

Ok, you know that guy that we have been selling all if this shit to? Why don't we just sell him the whole operation.

Guy One

Because he is a moron.

Guy Two

Oh come on, how hard is this whole thing to understand. You put this here, this there, filter distill, don't blow your self up.... How hard is that?

Guy One

You have seen the guy that you are thinking of selling this thing to haven't you?

Guy Two

Yeah, so we will explain it really slowly.

Cut scene, they call it quits, music plays as it shows them moving the whole operation to the Nick's house, helping him set it up, pointing things out.

<Interior Night Nick's house>

Guy Two

So yeah, you put this shit there, dissolve, and then filter, boil, filter. Boil, don't blow yourself up, you got it?

Nick

Yeah, filter, boil, filter, boil, don't blow up, yeah I can handle that.

Guy One and Guy Two leave

Guy One

You do realize that he is still clueless

Guy Two

Yeah, but if he blows himself up at least all of the stuff is over at his place and not ours.

Cut Scene

The guy blows himself up....

<Exterior, looking at run down house, bright flash from inside>

The two guys are standing, watching the firetrucks. They look at each other, shrug, take a swig of Robitussin, walk away.

<Exterior Day outside Nick's house>

Guy Two

I guess he missed a step there somewhere.

Guy One

Yeah, whatever, at least we had a little more interesting summer than we had planned on.

The end.