Saturday, July 6, 2013

Marvin the Paranoid Android Porno Plot....

We all know that Marvin the android is older than the universe, but in the time that he spent going forth, and back it is little mentioned as to what he was actually doing.  I figured it was time to fill in a few blanks.

Marvin the Android and his time on a Vogon Comfort Ship.



Life, or whatever this digitized electronic version of life is, could not get much worse.

Let us take all of the bad things that could happen to a being....

Getting captured by pirates....  Bad....

Being sold into indentured servitude....  Worse....

Getting bought by the Vogon military....  Far worse....

Getting taken to a Vogon comfort ship so that Vogon women could practice their poetry.....



Burn it with fire....



Really, the concepts of heaven and hell are generally to be ignored as fictional places that really don't exist, but if there is a hell it could very well be a Vogon comfort ship.

There are few things in the universe more toe headed and ignorant than a Vogon.  The concept of idle thoughts are foreign to them, actually the concept of thought in itself is completely foreign to them.  If there was a more toe-headed and ignorant race in the universe the assumption would be that they would have brought themselves to extinction by now through sheer will of ineptitude.

Although considering that the humans had been blown up by the Vogons it is possible that the only planets that could challenge the Vogons for toe-headedness were in fact being destroyed by the Vogons through their toe-headedness.

Vogons had evolved the ability to avoid any possibility of higher brain function by living on a planet where any thought in your head would promptly be rewarded with a slap to the face.  I imagine this would be very similar to being brought up Southern Baptist.

But even Vogons enjoy vacations.  These are not the vacations that you or I would take.  Going to some planet where the entire thing was a beach made of transistors, or something like that.  No, they would go on vacation and try to get the next generation of Vogons going with the ladies.

This of course involved foreplay.

Vogon foreplay, something that you will never be able to find reference to in the hitchhikers guide because any non-Vogon who witnessed the ritual would die an agonizing death from the sheer stupidity being expressed in prose was oddly fitting for the race.

Vogons being the dumbest, most obnoxious, and as a result powerful race in the universe (although I certainly hope no one ever tells them that), were destined to have had some strange cultures developed within their ranks.  But this was something to behold.

Preferably from a distance, wearing sound-cancelling headphones, through about 6 inches of welding glass, wearing a hazmat suit, over a tine cell phone screen, held at a distance of about 50 feet, in black and white, with censor bars over any inadvertent "naughty bits", by a deaf, blind, and mute monk who has been sworn never to reveal what he has learned.

With those precautions in place, one may be able to safely view Vogon mating rituals.

I am an android.  I cannot die.  You have no idea how much worse I feel about that at this very moment.

Let me break this down for you in a way that will not cause the screens of you computers to crack and you cpu to go up in flames in self-preservation of the life it could have in a million generations of computer development and evolution.

Vogon one, we will call him Bob as his real name is something mostly unpronounceable that sounds very similar to someone vomiting into a douche bag.  Well, Bob sidles into the room looking all pasty and greenish.  On a side note when Vogons get aroused their normally repugnant skin color actually changes into an even more repugnant skin color.  Bob sets his eyes on Mary, once again Mary's real name is not Mary, but the real name is unpronounceable, sounding something like explosive diarrhea filled with pop-rocks being shat into a resonant hollow metal tube full of Diet Coke.

Well, Bob, seeing an opportunity that apparently the rest of the universe is oblivious to wanders into the room and starts spewing out all kinds of nonsense.  At least it sounds like nonsense, gibberish would be too strong a term for it.  In Vogon language they refer to it as poetry.  The rest of the universe refers to is as black noise, which although scientifically incorrect for what it is, it does try to make it evident that this is the opposite of white noise.  White noise makes you want to fall asleep.  Black noise is like taking a angle grinder and running it at full-speed along the side of  an enraged hog.  Please do not attempt this at home.

Perhaps a snippet of the words that Bob spews in the direction of Mary will help you imagine the scene a bit better.

Hello you.
You have a face like poo.
I have some green goo.
It runs down my leg when I sneeze.
Wanna make it happen with me please?

Mary is caught off guard by this showing of what Vogons consider affection, but the rest of the universe would respond with deadly and overwhelming force to.

Man meat.
I think that was sweet.
Loins quivering rhythmically and like a bowl of jelly.
You, compared to me, are not that smelly.

This will go one and one for a few hours, I would write more but I had several memory banks fail just from being in the presence of this display.

Then they finally got to the worst part.  Androids may not dream of electric sheep but we can have nightmares.  When we do we see what happened next.

There are sexual positions that are not mentioned in the Kama Sutra.  There is a reason for this, the attempt to record them  would cause the book to burst into flames and likely scorch hundred of square miles of land.

This is what I was exposed to next.

My life is hell.

Thankfully I was not stuck on the Vogon comfort ship for long, they got distracted one day and flew into a giant asteroid.  The ship was blown apart in mid coitus and wreckage scattered across a sizable chunk of space.  This portion of space is not off limits to all space travel in the off chance that someone could come across anything that may have survived.  I did survive, floating off into space for several months until I managed to hitch a ride with another ship.  Thankfully not pirates this time.  Eventually I got dropped off on a planet full of transistor beaches and got a job as the universe's worst bartender.  I could never quite get the hang of making drinks like the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster so I just kept a brick in a sock with me and hit people with it after they had one.

The effect was the same, but the management was not amused.








Any similarity to any people living or dead is simply an example of your bloated sense of self-importance.