Monday, August 11, 2014

Robin Williams

Ok, I am sure there is an overwhelming quantity of Robin Williams posts already on the Interwebs and this will hardly make a drop in that ocean, but let us look at the reality.
Life is fucking hard.
Being funny is often crafted as a defense mechanism because your not the popular kid with all the friends.  You have to survive. You have to do what you can to avoid the day to day hurt that living with the hand you have been dealt is.
I am sure I heard someone scream that we got dealt a pretty good hand, but even when you have a full house it looks pretty bad when you feel like everyone else got a straight flush.
So we become funny, because we are witty and can get the snappy comeback, we can make you laugh, then we laugh....
Its not the same.
We laugh, then we stop,  because laughter is a transfer of energy and E=MC squared will show how much energy of laughter it takes to fill that empty space in our hearts, that empty space in our lives.
We are awkward, goofy, funny, creative. We make you smile, we make you loose yourself in the madness that we give to the world around us.
And we die inside.
A laugh at a time.


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Now that I am at home and not blogging from my phone, I have a few more things to add.  Manic depression is hellish.  If you have never experienced it you have no idea.  You go from bouncing off the walls to not wanting to move, talk to people, or have to suffer through another day.  Thankfully I got off of the pharmaceutical roller coaster myself, but I will tell you right now, those drugs are not wonder drugs.

Years ago I was on the pharmaceutical roller coaster.  Basically instead of looking for the problem they look to just treat the symptoms.  When the treatment of one symptom created another one they just prescribed another pill.  It is not a healthy way to live and it led greatly to my near breakdown, and resulting move twice across the country in 2008.

I was going up and down like I was on a yoyo string.  Some days I would just want to sit at home and do nothing.  Some days I would be so over-energetic that I would be vaulting over planters in downtown Duluth running from bar to bar.  I have had people stop me and ask me how much cocaine I was on only to see the surprise when I had to explain that I was actually on nothing.

The other side is that there were weeks where I had no idea what sleeping was like.  I did not fall asleep, I still have issues with sleeping, but it is better, but back then I would just stare that the ceiling until the alarm went off and I went to work.

I always went to work.

When people are depressed they need love, they need understanding, and they need a medical system that realizes that there are no wonder-drugs that will fix us.

We need outlets for our energy.

Maybe we just need a room full of Legos, maybe a giant ball pit to dive through.

Maybe we just need hugs.  Hugs and friends.

The problems don't fix themselves, but with practice they can be controlled.  I figured out what my cycle was and how to deal with it, or if not deal with it, just be aware of where I was so I could make more good choices than bad ones.

If I have more to say I will post a different blog, but with the traffic on this one, I figured it would be good to put this here.

Jeff